Kate Middleton is pregnant with twin girls! Or so the tabloids would have you believe before you realise it's just, er, how do I put this? Made up bullshit.
According to a number of US reports, the Duchess is eight to 10 weeks pregnant with two future princesses and naturally William is just "thrilled" about it. But uh oh, she's already put on 10lbs of baby weight. Hashtag Jessica Simpson syndrome.Here's the trouble with the Duchess of Cambridge - if she's not pregnant or on some kind of royal tour, we evidently don't know what to do with her.
I'm pretty sure this mag's sources can be found in its office, nowhere near the royal family. I mean, if someone said it out loud it's quotable, right?
The mag continues: "Kate has always wanted a daughter, and she's talked about it so much that William did, too.
"Kate's upbringing with Pippa was idyllic and she always wanted to have girls of her own to carry on the legacy of strong, happy women. Plus, she thinks George having sisters will be tremendously good for his character."
The story even goes as far as to claim the Palace had confirmed the news. I'm assuming "the Palace" is the name of a local takeaway restaurant.
Why do we so desperately want Kate to be pregnant again? It's pretty simple really. She's kind of - and don't shoot me for saying this - boring.
Unless she's on the Royal Tour or up the duff she doesn't do much apart from being pictured in a different coat dress and the same nude courts.
"Kate wears green for memorial service in London" doesn't have the same eyeball grabbing impact as "Kate Middleton is pregnant with twin girls at 98lbs", which was Life & Style magazine's cover story this week in case you were wondering.
The latest rumours echo the somewhat controversial speech given by award-winning novelist, Hilary Mantel, at a London Review of Books event at the British Museum in February last year.
In her talk - entitled "Royal Bodies" - Mantel touched upon the media's moulding of the former Miss Middleton saying pre-pregnancy, Kate was "a shop-window mannequin, with no personality of her own, entirely defined by what she wore."
But the Duchess' style evolution isn't enough for the royal-obsessed, news-consuming public anymore.
When Kate fell pregnant things got interesting. Papers could debate the baby's sex, ponder what colour she and Wills would paint the nursery and every time the duchess set foot in public she looked just a little more "radiant". The headlines wrote themselves for six months.
But now, it's back to the drawing board. So what's a Duchess Kate fan to do?
Pretend she's expecting baby number two - that's what's on trend.
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