Just when we thought things were going smoothly for Phoebe and Jamie, Lucy gets involved. Will Gore explains the latest Made in Chelsea love triangle...
"If you are going to play two girls, it's best to play two who don't know each other." So went the quote that introduced this week's instalment of Made in Chelsea. And which MiC sage provided this invaluable insight into the complexities of modern life? Proudlock was our man, he of the high ponytail and the offensive dress sense.
If you had told me before last night's show that the leopard print Jesus was a philosopher, I would have made up a hilariously witty quip, something along the lines of his brain being less like Plato's and more like Play-Doh (see, a zinger!), and then told you sod off to ITV4. But what the hell do I know? Turns out Proudlock's philosophising was bang on the money, even though a number of his buddies chose to ignore his words of wisdom.
First up there was Jamie who began the episode enjoying a night out with everyone's favourite eye roller, Phoebe Lettice-Thompson. No sooner had the biscuit heir given her a kiss, than she was getting a phone call from Louise telling her that Jamie had recently, to put it politely, spent some time with Lucy.
Phoebe was in no mood for such niceties, even though Jamie did his best to explain away his behaviour, blaming it all on the demon drink. "I nailed a bottle of vodka," he whined. Without missing a beat, Phoebe countered: "And then you nailed her." Not a perfect end to the evening then, but because Jamie is denser than the Jaffa Cakes his family have been flogging for years, he still did his best to take the positives out of the situation, telling Proudlock and Francis that the date had been "so good". He even had the temerity to hand out love triangle advice to Young Simon Cowell (aka Alex).
Not only does Alex have less charisma that Francis's skateboard, but it also turns out he's a bit of a cad too. Fran, who survived a between-series operation to extricate herself from her Siamese twin Olivia, has been flirting with him for the last couple of weeks, and she seemed to be on the verge of sealing the deal. Life on MiC can be cruel though, and so it proved once more, as it turns out he has taken a shine to Binky instead.
Having contrived to invite them both round for dinner, he then did the decent thing, according to Jamie, by telling Fran he had a rugby injury in order to ensure that he'd get Binky on her own. When Binky realised what was going on she felt terrible, of course. A feeling that lasted all of about 10 seconds - she hadn't even finished her nasty-looking starter before she was tucking into Cowell Jr at the dining room table.
The final part of the show unfolded at a bar done up in the style of that classic British comedy, Carry On Up The Khyber. Sadly Babs Windsor never showed and instead we were treated to some Indian dancing, Victoria and Sophie droning on like a two-girl Bruno tribute act, and American Stephanie saying the magic words, "Spencer didn't come home last night" (Challenged on why he hadn't let her know he was staying at a friend's, Spenny came up with the magnificent excuse that, "I don't do the communication thing, people get in touch with me").
The love triangle disasters also progressed a little bit further. Binky fiddled with the bangle on her head, Fran got annoyed and Alex smirked just like his Dad does when he's confronted by an X Factor crazy. On the other side of the bar, MiC's two queens of the sulk, Phoebe and Lucy, had a bitchy row, which finished with Lucy pointing out that the piece of Christmas cracker jewellery attached to Phoebe's nose looked "really weird." "Your dress looks really tacky," Phoebe hit back as Lucy headed off, as it happened, into the waiting arms of Jamie.
The episode ended with the pair of them having a good old snog, meaning Lucy goes into next week with the upper hand over her archenemy. The fact, though, that Jamie is about trustworthy as a policeman at the gates of Downing Street means there's still a chance for La Lettice to strike back. The battle for the Biscuit Brain is just warming up.
LOVE THIS WRITER? Follow him on Twitter @WillGore.
Catch up with all things Made In Chelsea here.