No matter how many times Spencer cheats, girls still want him. It's confusing, says Will Gore, but not as confusing as Stevie's dating technique...
It's often said the only thing certain in life is death. But this is a truism that happens not to be true. There is another certainty, helpfully revealed by Made in Chelsea, namely that if you are in a relationship with Spencer Matthews, he will cheat on you.
Obviously, most of us would prefer death to having to go out with Spenny in the first place, but for those unwise enough to fall for him only one fate awaits. In recent times he's done the dirty on Louise and Lucy and last night it was Stephanie Pratt's turn to learn the unedifying truth.
The American, whose temporary loan from The Hills or something is surely now at an end, had moved in with Spencer and this, apparently, was enough to force him to sleep him around. He proffered the lame excuse that their living together had made him feel "claustrophobic." Now, NHS Direct suggests the best way to deal with claustrophobia is by "getting help from your GP" and that it can be "successfully treated and cured by gradually being exposed to the situation that causes your fear".
Spencer, in his infinite lack of wisdom, decided to ignore this sound medical advice and instead went for the alternative therapy of bonking the nearest floozie in an attempt to alleviate his phobia of confined spaces. Even though the end of Steph and Spencer's coupling had a depressingly familiar ring to it for long-term MiC watchers, at least it served as a timely warning that we must all avoid getting into crowded lifts with the randy grease ball.
If only Irrelevant Stevie had half as much luck with the opposite sex as Spencer seems to. After last week's pizza-making date with Tiff, Stevie went with her on another night out inspired by hen do activities. This time the organised fun involved learning how to make cocktails. The pressure was well and truly on after Stevie's buddies had primed him for the date by imploring him to stay out of the "friend zone" and lunge at her.
As we discovered last week, Tiff laughs like a lunatic trapped in an asylum (or a low-rent structured reality TV show) at every single thing anyone says.
It's a habit only someone utterly desperate would be able to cope with for more than 10 seconds, which tells us all we need to know about Irrelevant Stevie's state of mind. Astonishingly, he claimed he "loves Tiff's laugh", a fact which turned out to be a good thing in the end because when she told him she just wanted to be friends, she softened the blow by cracking up in his depressed face.
This was a real shame, not only for Stevie and his bulging libido, but for the watching public too. If he had managed to persuade Tiff to go out with him they could have been the next celebrity power couple. Perhaps it might still happen - following in the footsteps of Speidi and Brangelina, what the world really needs now is Stiff.
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See all the latest from Made in Chelsea here, plus read Will's TV column The Idiot Box here.