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Made In Chelsea: Spenny And Andy's Face Off

14/08/2014 16:37 | Updated 22 May 2015

Lucy confuses a lovesick Jamie and Spenny asks Andy the question on the tip of everyone's tongue - "why do we always pick the same girls?". Will Gore on the latest relationship troubles in Chelsea...

Generally I'm a pretty liberal kind of guy, but when it comes to people talking at gigs I can't find any room for leniency. Without question, this should be a criminal offence, punishable, if not by death, then at least by a very long stretch in prison.

It comes as absolutely no surprise the Made in Chelsea crew are exactly the kind of tosspots who indulge in this heinous, but sadly not illegal, practice. Last night throughout a gig by Iceland's very own Ásgeir (no, me neither), various members of the MiC cast bored on about their relationships and, in true British style, no one leaned over and politely asked them to shut the f**k up. If they had, it would have done us all a favour.

spencer-matthews

Jamie spent the gig, and most of the rest of the episode, whining about Lucy and giving her the big eyes, like an unwanted Christmas puppy who's about to be chucked in the river. Earlier in the show she had given Jamie hope she might actually love him, by sending him in a text message in which she admitted as much. To paraphrase Lucy, like, obviously she, like, meant it as friends and she, like, assumed he would understand this. Jamie can barely spell his own name so to ask him to get to grips with the subtext of a text message was always going to be a long shot.

For a change Spencer was also having romantic issues. During his latest trip to Harley Street, the bored psychotherapist asked him to consider the feelings of his latest squeeze, Vita. He looked so bemused by this notion it seemed like his face might cave in.

At the Ásgeir gig, Andy had a go at Vita, who he dated last week, about her relationship with Spencer. Managing to keep a straight face despite Andy's absurd baseball cap, Vita told him she and Spencer were just friends who had casual sex because it's "the 21st century". When I was a kid I thought the 21st century would be all about hoverboards and holidays in space. Clearly, I was living a lie.

As the concert hall emptied, Spencer and Andy faced off. "Why do we keep on picking the same girls?" asked Spenny. The correct answer being, of course, that if they didn't the show would be even duller than it already is. Instead, though, Andy retorted, "You've slept with most of the girls in London which makes it quite difficult."

Spencer smirked at this unintentional compliment, but thankfully his smug, Piers Morgan-esque grin was gone a couple of scenes later when Vita told him that she wanted to withdraw the "benefits" she was currently offering as a supplement to their friendship.

His face dropped. For Spenny, it seems friendship with a girl that doesn't involved a bit of slap and tickle is one that's not worth having. Almost as soon as Vita had walked out of the bar, he had deleted her details from his phone. The lucky girl.

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