Is your child irrational, obsessive and prone to wild mood swings? Of course he is, he's a child. But he's not the only one. The average young child has a lot in common with the world's most demanding divas, give or take several million pounds and the occasional arena tour. If you'd like to know which strain of diva fever your little one has contracted take a look below.
The Barbra Streisand
Barb is famously fussy. Her rider once, allegedly, insisted on peach-coloured toilet paper and towels since it's the shade that best matches her complexion. And that's what everybody worries about when they're doing a poo, right?
Ridiculous yes, but there's one group of people who'll nod sagely and think "she's well within her rights", and that's small children. They love colours, but only one at a time. Try and give your little one blue paint when he's in a magenta phase and he'll hand you back a palette of fury.
It's also said Streisand once demanded everybody entering and leaving her hotel room did it walking backwards. Even kids draw the line at that kind of behaviour.
The Justin Bieber
Justin once bought himself a monkey, which is exactly the kind of short-sighted thing a child would do if he had access to loads of money that wasn't printed by the Early Learning Centre.
But that's not the only similarity the Bieb has with many of our young – probably because he's only recently stepped out of nappies himself – just like them he hates having his photo taken.
The Canadian popster isn't a big fan of smiling even when he's supposed to be having fun – a recent snap of him at a basketball match found his features in particularly miserable order, despite the fact he had the best seats and probably didn't have to queue for the toilet – so you can imagine how he reacts to a paparazzi hounding. Clue: it sometimes involves violence.
Luckily the young Beliebers in your family are unlikely to have a crew of bodyguards on hand to gently acquaint relatives wielding a lens with the cold hard ground. Beware the day your toddler hires security.
The Mariah Carey
Some children simply won't go anywhere without a crowd of dolls, teddies, Action Men or Barbies trailing in their wake. They like an entourage. Which is one thing they have in common with Mariah Carey.
On a trip to the UK back in 2009, alongside the usual platoon of bodyguards and stylists, she reportedly brought along assistants to attend to the needs of her two Jack Russell dogs. And during her stay, according to presenter Kate Garraway, she was lowered onto the GMTV sofa by a couple of lackies to avoid crumpling her dress in an unsightly manner and because, you know, sitting down on your own is such hard work. Not to mention the person she employed to walk backwards in front of her so she didn't trip over anything.
Obviously some of her rumoured demands aren't as mental - she has a penchant for white kittens and butterfly-shaped confetti. We can all relate to that.
The Lady Gaga
It must be a nightmare going anywhere with Lady Gaga:
"Wait, wait I'm just going to throw on my meat dress,"
"But Ga we're going to a funeral,"
"OK, I'll put the translucent bubbles on again, but there's no way I'm wearing knickers."
Like similarly-minded toddlers she's not that keen on dressing down.
The Elton John
Some children react to small setbacks with a shrug before moving on to something else. Others are consumed with volcanic anger at a universe that seems to have an utterly unfounded grudge against them. From here on in these children shall be known as The Elton Johns.
This isn't modern Elton who sings about lions and looks a bit like your grandma. No, this is the 90s vintage (see the Tantrums and Tiaras documentary which apparently inspired him to change his ways) who unleashed a toupee-shaking tirade and threatened never to set foot in the south of France again after a fan, wait for it... waved at him while he was playing tennis.
It's a little embarrassing when your child excitedly opens a gift from a distant aunt and fails to hide her disappointment when it's not a fully grown pony. Relax, she's just in her Madonna phase.
There's plenty of evidence to support this, after all she's blazed a diva-shaped trail for decades. For example on being handed flowers by a fan one year at the Venice Film Festival a visibly disgusted Madge squeezed out a "thank you" before muttering "I loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn't know that."
One minute she's swanning around under the impression the entire planet knows her specific floral preferences, the next she's thrown into a world uncertainty when it turns out at least one person doesn't. That's tough on anyone.
Similarly my daughter can't quite understand why people keep trying to feed her fish fingers when she hates them.