I have three kids; a six-month old, a five-year-old, and a seven-year-old. I love my children, but let's face it; sometimes having kids makes you moody. Non-parents regularly ask me questions about raising kids. They are always well intentioned, and outwardly, I always answer them graciously, but after hearing the same questions year after year, I'm starting to get a little irritated. So I'm using this post to set a few things straight...
1. "How do you manage three kids?"
What were you expecting from this question? That I would break down into tears and admit that we can't handle having three kids sometimes? The leap from two to three felt like I was treading water and someone threw me a baby. Sometimes I just want to park my min-van full of screaming kids on the side of the highway and run into the woods. How do I manage them? Not very well. Is that the answer you were looking for? Are you satisfied?
2. "Do your kids ever fight?"
Seriously? Did you fight with your siblings? They fight over everything. Last week I had to break up a wrestling match over whether my daughter could smell my son's fart. The week before that they fought over cheese strings. Yes, my kids fight. All kids fight. When they are not fighting, I assume they are plotting something... probably robbery.
3. "Did you see last night's episode of Homeland?"
(This doesn't seem to be a question about the kids, but it is). I don't control the TV anymore. The kids do. Last night I watched Yo-Gabba-Gabba. Then I watched Pokémon. Then I thought about cutting my eyes out of my skull. Check it out. If the protagonist isn't animated, or stuffed, or have a hand up its puppet-ass, then just assume I haven't seen it.
4. "Why are your eyes so blood shot? Did your kids keep you up?"
Yes! Yes they did. I was up for two hours last night changing wet sheets, and searching for Bun Bun. Ugh... I want to light Bun Bun on fire! You know what, if someone with children looks tired, just assume the kids are responsible and shut your stupid mouth.
5. "Do your kids ever talk back?" Oh... no way. My kids are little angels. Most of the time they speak in pleases and thank you's, and when I put my feet up after a long day's work, they bring me my slippers and make me a sandwich.
Of course my kids talk back. Yesterday my five-year-old princess called me a fart-face because I wouldn't let her watch Netflix. Then my 7-year-old told my wife that she sucked because she wouldn't give him an ice cream sandwich. I didn't teach them to talk like that. Naturally, I sent them to their rooms, but here we are.
6. "What's that white stuff on your shirt?" Puke. It's always puke. Tomorrow, there will be vomit on my clothes again. If the stain is something other than white, it's probably piss or shit. I have a baby. Deal with it.
7. "I bet there is a lot of love in your home... right?" Mostly my home is full of poo, and bogies, and wet spots that I don't understand. I can't explain all of the smells, and my table is usually sticky. But yes, when I come home, my seven-year-old son jumps into my arms, and it's wonderful. And my five-year-old, she shows me a new dance or something, and it always melts me heart. And the baby, she just kicks her legs and squeals. It's adorable.
What are the stupidest questions you've heard about being a parent?
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