I see different parents every day who look so cool and I think, "Why can't I be like that?" I shall tell you why. Because I am the mother of two teenagers and I will never look or be cool in their eyes. EVER.
Trust me when I say I have tried to impress them with my coolness and hilariousness. It doesn't work, no matter what you do or say.
My advice is as follows...
1. DO NOT attempt to speak to them when they have friends round (especially boys). The last time the Male Teen had his mates round I decided to pop upstairs and have a chat. "Hi guys, whats going on?" This was met with three hooded heads suddenly dropping to the floor and a variety of grunts emerging from their very red faces. "Nothing Mum. Just nothing. Can you shut the door please." Oh well, I thought, at least he said please.
2. DO NOT ever suggest that maybe you could get a similar top to the Female Teen. This will be greeted with a look of sheer horror. "But I just thought we would look cute in the same top."
"CUTE, MUM! REALLY? CUTE? WHO EVEN SAYS THAT?" Bad idea then.
3. DO NOT try and photo bomb them when they are on Snapchat. I almost ended up with the new IPhone implanted up my arse when I thought it would be hilarious to pop up behind her mid snap.
4. "Lets do a video of us singing Frozen in the car." No words were returned as she just got out of the car and walked home.
5. "Shall I come in to the party to get you"? Now this is actually a top tip of mine if you want to get your teen to come out on time. Trust me, even a small hint that you might join the party will force them to be waiting outside as you pull up.
6. DO NOT attempt to 'rap'. Iggy Azalea has got nothing on me. Unfortunately both teens were in the car as I claimed to know all the words. I didn't even realise that two 5ft something humans could fit in the foot wells of my car.
7. Apparently, and according to both teens, I talk very loudly when I think I am whispering so DO NOT try and be funny about teachers at parents' evening. I don't really know what the problem was. All I said was how sad I was that he wasn't doing PE. You get the drift.
8. DO NOT dance. EVER. Even though I went to dance school with Steadman from 5 Star (well, I didn't actually go to school with him but he was in the next dance class to me) this means nothing to teenagers as I bust my moves. I am even too embarrassing to be filmed, posted on YouTube and mocked apparently.
9. Never shout things out of the car at them. Things like "LOVE YOU" or "MAKE GOOD CHOICES TODAY, HUNNY". And my personal favourite "SEE YOU LATER, MY LITTLE PRINCE".
10. If a someone from the opposite sex breaks your teen's heart DO NOT drive slowly past him/her and his new squeeze with the window down giving him/her the "I'm watching you" look. Especially do not do this if your heart broken teen is in the car with you.
All of the above are vital for survival - yours and theirs.
Face facts that you will never be totally cool in their eyes and that's fine, in fact it is more than fine. It's so much more fun to have a few things up your sleeve that might make them cringe.