I love being a parent – let's get that established from the outset. But, the other day, my wife asked me what we did before we had kids, and I couldn't remember. I literally couldn't remember how we filled our time.
There's no doubting that having children fills every second of your day with exhaustion, stress, exhilaration and wonderful memories – but every now and again you pine for the life you had before kids. It's only human.
For example, you did:
- Nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing.
- You'd also sleep. Like a proper, lovely, deep sleep, and you...
- ...may even have to set an alarm, because there would be no kids to slap you awake.
- Doesn't matter though, 'cos you could have a lie in.
- You could even have a duvet day, if you wanted, not even get dressed.
- You'd waste a weekend. Before you knew it you'd be back at work after having done nothing.
- You'd probably be hungover, though, so a duvet day isn't a bad idea.
- Thing is, you could go to the pub in the evening.
- You could even go out to a club if you wanted to.
- Basically, you could go and get drunk somewhere.
- Problem is, you'd spend a ridiculous amount of money on a night out...
- ...but it didn't really matter, because you'd have money to spare...
- ...and you'd think 4am was the time you only saw on the way home from such a night.
- Once past your hangover, you could plan the day ahead,
- Or just pop out,
- As a couple, instead of just two parents herding kids.
- Because before children, you could just walk down the street without shepherding toddlers off the road.
- You left the house without a thousand bags, and you could...
- ...travel anywhere you wanted without worrying whether it was child friendly.
- You could go swimming without worrying that your kid would exclaim that he can see that man's willy,
- And you could browse the shops properly instead of running in and out just to grab the essentials.
- You'd go to a restaurant and actually concentrate on what you were eating
- Instead of worrying where your child has thrown their food
- Or whether they'd filled their nappy.
- Once you were home, you could turn on the TV and not have the channel default to CBeebies
- You could watch an adult TV programme ALL THE WAY THROUGH,
- And watch adverts for charities without crying.
- If you wanted to, you could have a conversation without being interrupted by 'WATCH ME, DADDY!' every two seconds.
- If there was nothing on TV you could go to the cinema and watch a movie that wasn't animated.
- You could even read more than a page of a book without a child calling your name.
- If you wanted to, you could actually go to the toilet in peace, and do a poo. By yourself.
- You could swear, all the time, without fear that a child would repeat you in front of his teacher.
- You'd probably swear because you had to meet your mates, even though you don't want to, because you don't have a child you can use as an excuse.
- But cheer up! You could have sex at any time of day!
- And you didn't have to stop every 10 seconds because one of the kids made a noise.
- Before you had children you didn't get ill very often...
- And, if you did, you could sneeze without consequences.
- If you were really ill, the thought of being sick revolted you – now you don't bat an eyelid.
- You'd never even think of touching poo, but now it's second nature.
- Before you had kids you could do whatever you liked; but the thing is, you wouldn't go back for all the world.
More:Is It Just Me?
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