Six Hilarious Baby Milestone Cards They Don't Make (But Should)

05/05/2017 10:04 BST | Updated 05/05/2017 10:05 BST

Ah, perfect baby pics. From the first smile, tooth, to visiting the farm, Instagram & Facebook are full of happy bubs making milestones. But what about the milestones no-one wants to admit to? You know, the not so cute parts of parenting? I propose we also create the real life milestone cards. Starting with our family faves (or not!).

Today... baby had a fight with the coffee table

The first time our kid did this she'd just learnt to crawl & decided to go straight into the coffee table. Yes she cried - and yes I cried, too. But that was nothing compared to the black eye and subsequent week of explaining to strangers that she had a 'fight with the coffee table'. Just keep telling yourself this is fine, this happens, that's not a social worker stalking me in Aldi. And smile A LOT at everyone - especially staring strangers.

Today... baby ate the sofa

When you've got a kid under one, you spend most of your life scrubbing their cutlery, sterilising their bottles and feeding them super-fresh food. Then, they learn to crawl... The little angel (a-hem) waits until your mum comes over, then just as she sits down with a cup of tea, the kid wriggles under the sofa, starts to eat that, then reappears with stale bits of food. An old KitKat the five year old had stashed for later? Yep of course. And wait, what *is* she doing now? Oh, just randomly sucking on the living room rug. Maybe she smelt the prosecco I'd spilt on it the night before? Shoot me now.

Today... mummy lost her s**t

Remember before kids when you used to scowl at the woman in the supermarket screaming at her kids like a mentalist? Well, I take it all back, because when it's your own kid screaming "I want" in the biscuit aisle, you lose it. I still don't know which was more embarrassing, paying for the 10 packets of crushed Party Rings that I threw into the trolley like a maniac, or the shame of him tearing into the 4th packet. And yes, yes, the baby had one too. #that'sbabyledweaning

Today... the poonami happened

Of course it was when we were out - well it wouldn't have been so dramatic if it had been at home would it? I don't know what had been in her milk that day but, this poo went EVERYWHERE. It took a packet and a half of wet wipes. She smelt fine afterwards, while I whiffed like I'd done an hour at the gym. And she was wearing a onesie instead of her frilled cream dress. Cos that's what everyone needs at their BFFs Christening #photosruinedforever.

Today... I flashed my father-in-law

Good old breastfeeding eh? You think you've got it nailed and then it goes tits up (literally). Miss Diva decided it was time to show off my assets during our nice family lunch, when she pulled at my breastfeeding cover. And you thought you'd finished that whole over-exposure thing at child-birth? No. Cue chatting to your father-in-law about his new allotment (which let's face it, is hard enough to pull off anyway) and you realise he's gone bright red. Thanks kid. No really, thanks.

Today... mummy and daddy went out

Nights out after baby are special. And special nights need special outfits, so I'd shaved my legs, got back into my best undies and shimmied into my fave dress. So good so far. If only. Half way through the starter I realise I've forgotten to put the breast pads in my best bra (cos the two just don't go together right?!). What I thought was him looking at me like he fancied me, was him trying to work out how to tell me my boobs were leaking. We scrapped date night and returned home to down a bottle of left-over fizz. Classy.

And here's a helpful hint for free: nine months of no drinking makes you a cheap date. The 'Today...mummy had a hangover,' card came out the next day...