Can you hear that? A crackling, sizzling sound. Are the neighbours having a barbecue? No, there's a TV sensation smouldering in the distance.
There's already been much talk of the upcoming second series of Poldark, whose first episode airs in the UK on September the 4th. What can we expect? I wish I knew. I haven't even read the books so no plot spoilers here.
The tantalising teaser trailer recently released by the BBC is all I have to go on at the moment. The tarot cards in it might not be giving much away but it's safe to assume that there will be plenty of pouting and glowering. In these thirty seconds alone Ross smoulders so hard, flowers wither in his presence. The man's a fire hazard. No wonder he needs to stand by the sea to cool off.
Because this is Cornwall, so I predict there'll be much sea-staring too. No episode of Poldark would be complete without at least one character gazing pensively at the horizon - each script has seconds allotted for it, as well as time built in for windswept gallops through wide Cornish landscapes.
Which is handy because it also provides much opportunity for pathetic fallacy, as the weather easily competes with the actors for the best acting awards. We're in the 1780s so the genre calls for extended bouts of silent acting and moody glances. So many long lingering looks are there, these scripts must be dotted with ellipses like drizzle dropping on Bodmin Moor: perhaps this is the real reason why it's called 'period' drama.
"I fought for our liberty," says Ross in the trailer. "For our hopes, for our dreams. And I'll keep on fighting, whatever the cost." Blimey. As if all that coastal brooding and topless scything wasn't enough hard work.
Ross fought in the American Civil War so forget the tinkly piano and romantic strings, these words have a throbbing rock soundtrack, which also evokes Ross' raw sexuality. I hope Demelza's still baking her pies, he'll need them. Careful not to eat too many though Ross, or you won't fit into those tight breeches.
Those big frilly white shirts are quite baggy, though, so maybe he'll be alright. Will Ross get his off again? (in a tasteful, truthful and totally relevant sense, of course). The skies do look greyer this time round, so maybe he'll need to keep it on.
Nothing bodes well when the skies are that dark. Especially since the last we saw of Ross he was on his way to prison after the wily Warleggans had him arrested for wrecking, inciting a riot and murder.
He was in his usual sea-staring spot so he wasn't hard to find, and after the topless scything scene, the temptation to put Ross in handcuffs was evidently too much to resist. And as we know, lighting is very dim in period prisons so there'll definitely not be much chance of seeing Ross' stick-on hairy chest.
Not only that, but poor old Jim Carter died in prison, so Ross'll need to be extra-careful, especially if Verity's posset is only available to Captain Blamey now. Which reminds me: is he still hoisting his spankers? Is Verity still admiring his mast? Is Ruth Teague still flaunting her succulent syllabubs? Can Francis' priapic hat get any taller? Will he ever find a personality? Will anyone ever say, "I dislike the cut of his jib"?
And I haven't even mentioned the copper mines. That pistol shot as Ross and Demelza get it on in the trailer has decided it: Poldark is going to be as hysterically funny this time round as it was the first. I'll see you there.
This post first appeared in http://lusciouswound.blogspot.co.uk/Suggest a correction