Wasting our life on pop culture blogs and gossip sites, so you don't have to.
Until now, I've been maintaining a dignified silence (well, I've been quiet, anyhow) on the subject of the floundering marriage of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Rumours of Ashton's numerous infidelities with barmaids are all over the internet like a rash, and I saw no reason to take a Brillo pad to this particular skin complaint. (Truly, the leaked pics of the pair trying to patch up their relationship at a Kabbalah camping retreat were the most depressing thing to come out of Hollywood since Britney's S&M-themed Circus tour in 2009.)
But sod dignified silences! The Kutcher marriage crisis has just metamorphosed into a golden nugget of gossip: the spirit of John McClane has drifted into this marital beef. As the National Enquirer reports, Bruce Willis has been giving Ashton hell over the besmirched happiness of Demi Moore, who is also the former Mrs Willis. (Under 28 and confused? Check out vintage pics here.)
"Bruce was livid! He reamed Ashton for his cheating - and humiliating not just ex-wife Demi, but his three daughters as well," said a source. "He went at Ashton full force, giving him no time to make excuses for his embarrassing behavior, demanding that he get his act together fast! Ashton finally broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably as he begged for forgiveness."
It is impossible to visualise this scene as anything other than a deleted scene from Die Hard. Just try! You'll fail.
Same voice, new mouth
And the winner of "most overplayed tune of right now" goes to Lana Del Rey's undeniably lovely Video Games. Getting a tad sick of it? Alleviate the boredom by taking a peek at the artist back in 2008, when she was plain old Lizzy Grant. We aren't going to hold a new pair of lips against her, or claim that her 2011 success is purely down to her new image. It's just sad that even with a voice like that, she thought her old face didn't cut it.
Bad shot, Jessica Simpson
World, listen up! Jessica Simpson has chosen this week to announce that yes, she is indeed with child, and not just a little bit fat, like before, although that was mainly the fault of stupid high-waisted jeans. The internet has been convinced she was preggers for WEEKS, and gossip had moved on from "Is she or isn't she?" to "What sort of mag deal is she waiting for before spilling the beans?" It seems like the half-a-million dollar deal never materialised, and so this week Jessica meekly issued a statement. Right around the time Kim Kardashian announced her divorce, a cyberspace event so eclipsing that even Salman Rushdie has penned a limerick about it on Twitter. Unlucky, Simpson.