Wasting our life on pop culture blogs and gossip sites, so you don't have to.
Oh, how the world hated it when sad, lonely, singleton Jennifer Aniston hooked up with a stinky boy.
For the past six years, the gossip sites, the glossy mags and the tabloids have all joined forces to play 'annoying relative at family reunion' to Aniston's 'single lady', harping on about how she couldn't move on from bad old Brad, fussing hysterically about her biological clock, and generally singing the chorus: "When are you going to settle down then, dear? The clock is ticking! Honestly, you career women. That Golden Globe won't leap off the mantlepiece and perform the Heimlich maneouver when you choke on an oatcake and die alone in front of your perplexed cat!"
Now, of course, Aniston is kissing Justin Theroux (indie film hottie, Deerhoof fan and cousin of documentary film hottie Louis Theroux - do new boyfriends get any better?) and the gossip industry has been left bereft of our postergirl for single misery.
Some responded by promptly attacking the blossoming romance with weedkiller. In Touch magazine is currently claiming that Aniston is driving Theroux crazy with her "neurotic, high-maintenance behaviour," quoting a loyal source-type who hisses "Justin really can't believe how vain Jennifer is; she complains nonstop about how fat she is."
Aw! Isn't it nice how 'sources', editors and readers alike can share in Jen's happiness, after years of faux-concern that she'd wind up on the shelf?
These heroic attempts to restore Aniston's single status have been unsuccessful, however, and the couple continue to hold hands. This has prompted some more ruthless news outlets to unceremoniously drop Aniston as Miss Single 2011, leave her to L'Oreal and Theroux, and replace her with a younger, singler face.
Step forward, Pippa Middleton! On the downside, Pippa has not been abandoned by global pinup Brad Pitt. But on the plus side, she's the little sis to the most famous new wife in the world; the Skipper to Kate and Will's Barbie and Ken. Hell, she'll do! And so we've got Daily Mail headlines about how her boyfriends can't cope with the "circus" of her life, Life & Style insisting that she's "scared of ending up alone" and these creepy staged photos of a Prince Harry lookalike touching a Pippa lookalike's arse.
If we were Pippa, we'd be looking around for someone to pass the baton on to, sharpish. Bummer that this means you probably have to date some dreary posh dude.
Kanye West's funeral is going to RULE
In other news, Kanye West made like a stoned first-year Philosophy student and got talking about his funeral, declaring: "I wanna have world leaders [at my funeral] that were, like, affected, that said, you know, 'Kanye gave me my shot here.' Or 'he pushed me,' or 'he told me to believe in myself,' or 'when I saw this, it made me feel like that.' I wanna affect people like that when I, like, pass away." Buddy, you'll be DEAD. Your ego won't be working anymore, so just chill.
"North American beer is NOT acceptable"
There are few gossip nuggets as pure and guilt-free as the leaked tour rider. This week we're delighted to bring you Adele's on-tour demands, courtesy of www.thesmokinggun.com. The singer requests "freshly made, individually wrapped sandwiches" that "must NOT contain tomatoes, vinegar, chilli or citrus fruit." Jeesh, Adele must have been given some really weird sandwiches in the past. Our favourite order, however, is for 12 bottles of "best quality European lager beer. ie Becks, Stella Artois, Peroni etc." Just in case there was any confusion, she stipulates: "North American beer is NOT acceptable." And she's right.