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How to Be a Modern Gentlewoman: Be the Best That You Can Be and Don't Be a Dick

25/04/2014 12:27 BST | Updated 24/06/2014 10:59 BST

The Telegraph posted a response to Country Life's magazine's guide for the modern gentleman. Their advice is so ridiculous, regardless of whether it's in jest or not, that I thought I'd put together my own guide for the Modern GentleWoman based on their suggestions.

1) Work

A gentlewoman should be brilliant at whatever she wants t to do. She is persistent. She holds the door open for people regardless of gender - if she wants to. She might even help out old people. A gentlewoman is kind if she wants to be. Or not if she doesn't want to be. She is not spiteful. A gentlewoman shakes the hand or kisses the face of whoever she wants (given that they are consenting.) She is always brave.

2) Practicalities

A gentlewoman is terrified of some things, because isn't that what humans do? She'll give finances, DIY, driving, spiders and other such things her best shot, because like most humans not living in a fantasy land, you gotta do what you gotta do. She'll carry all her luggage and baggage, but if someone offers to help her out, maybe she'll take them up on that offer. Sharing is caring.

3) Rhetoric

A lady says whatever the fuck she wants. She would never be crass enough to deploy the popular modern banality that is "totes" but continues to use the words toilet, loo, wash closet, shit-house, crapper and poop-creche whenever necessary. Swearing is A-OK, and she can use the term 'Pardon my French' whenever the fuck she wants to.

4) Family

A gentlewoman can rip the shit out of her partner using teasing or lacerating satire. It's pretty much the business of you and your designated human. A gentlewoman can talk about her children, because you're spending most of your time raising the little turds, so at the very least you get bragging rights. Just don't act surprised if no one gives a shit. We know you don't care about your friend's kids either. She raises her kids not to be dickheads.

5) Food

Newsflash: a lady eats and drinks. She can talk about her diet and health regime if it's important to her because that's often how human connection works. If she wants to engage in self-deprecating 'fat talk', well, join the club. Other ladies not interested can come up with their own topics or fuck the fuck off should they feel frustrated by it. Over dinner, she can discuss whatever people are talking about at the table, whether that includes house prices, schools, nannies, occupations, or topics of more interest. Her small talk hovers winningly towards Game of Thrones.

6) Drink

A gentlewoman can be T-Total or get smashed. Whether she becomes more flirtatious, or indeed rapacious with alcohol is her goddamn business. She is happy with the drinks she enjoys drinking, and can engage in a discussion about it without being pretentious or reactionary. Drinking Rose when not on the continent is permissible, even when combined with orange juice and cream. Because YOLO.

7) Grooming

A lady is too busy grooming her spirit and her passions to give a fuck about what you think of how she looks on the outside. If you're lucky, she'll take a shower, but otherwise, she's too busy bursting with ideas and hungry for the universe to give a shit. If she expresses herself through her appearance, then more power to her.

8) Dress

A woman should always wear things that make her feel good. Any problems with what she wears are your problems. Yeah, that means she can wear a bikini to the arctic or leggings as trousers. If you don't like what she's wearing, maybe you'll like her personality.

9) Design

The gentlewoman surrounds herself with whatever she likes. If she has teddy bears from her childhood or decorative cushions or has pinkified her room and that turns you off, maybe ask her what it means to her. She might be able to express things with words that shatter your judgey mcjudgeyson preconceptions.

10) Sex

A gentlewoman does not always make love on her front, back, sides, behind, arms, elbows, forehead, toes, pinky fingers. Sometimes, she doesn't make love at all. Shocking.