I have fake laughed a few times in my life. I have faked orgasms to please and faked no orgasms to displease. I have forged my date of birth on various documents. I have feigned illness to get out of school and simulated enjoyment in school, to get out of home. I have imitated a confident person through an insecure moment. I have pretended to cry to get my own way and failed spectacularly. I have bluffed my way through family gatherings in a bid to look sane. Now an addition to my list of forgeries - I faked taking cocaine at a party.
As I am writing this piece, many days after the non-event, I am still bemused as to why I did it. Why did I say "Yes Please" when an acquaintance tapped at his nostril? Why did I discreetly take the substance in my hand and walk into a toilet cubicle with it? Why did I then pour a little piece onto my work diary and proceed to route around in my handbag for a bank card? Then on finding a card, chop a line for myself that I had no intention of snorting. Why did I wipe the line back into its bag then return to the party, return the drugs and thank the chap for his offering? I then had to leave the party because I felt dirty and strange.
I have tried cocaine in the past - hence why I knew what to do with the white powder when I was offered it. You don't learn those life skills from the movies, well the movies I watch anyway. I hate cocaine. People say to me "Oh Carol you don't like cocaine because you've never had the real thing." And in a bid to increase my chances of snorting the real thing I have tried it in different counties, in different countries and on different continents. Unless I was really unlucky I can confidently say I don't like real cocaine either. The last time I tried some I talked at length to a stranger about how I get a fright when toast pops, even though I know that the toast is going to pop. And people risk septum erosion for the stuff?
In my experience, I find it numbs any scrap of personality that a user may have. And part of me wonders whether bland people take it so that they can blame the cocaine for their blandness? "Oh I'm actually great fun-you don't drive fast cars if you're no fun. I mean I have an extensive collection of wacky ties I can get from the wardrobe to show you if you don't believe me when I say I'm fun."
One of the many downfalls associated with cocaine is that it gives you confidence. This may sound wonderful but if it makes you tedious, then you're confidently tedious. That's not a good frame of mind to be in for your own safety. It's also hugely expensive not to mind hugely addictive which confuses me also: "I didn't care that I was going to lose my job and my family and my home, I just loved the feeling of talking about myself at length and boring people to death, I just couldn't get enough of it." Maybe that's the moment when a cocaine user hits rock bottom - when they hear themselves confidently talking about their life but it's all in the past tense: "I used to have this awesome job." "Wow you should have seen my wife."
I've said no to drugs on many occasions. So why didn't I say no this time? There was no peer pressure, which I am always liable to crack under. I didn't fancy the man providing the drugs and anyway taking drugs to impress a guy only works if that guy is a drug dealer. Did I fake take it to make my acquaintance feel comfortable? Did I fake take it because subconsciously I was suffering from writers block and needed something to write about? What if I'm addicted to not taking drugs? What if I'm not taking up to 10 grams a day? What if I am not giving roadside relief to horny truck drivers in return for a fix? Unfortunately writing this piece hasn't brought me anywhere nearer to finding the answer.
But one thing I do know is that the joke was on me because I still had a downer when I woke up the following morning. Waking up usually does that to me. And the whole night has been playing on my mind ever since. So don't do drugs kids. And don't pretend to do drugs either. Both actions will drive you insane.