I'm considering investing in a balaclava. It covers up unsightly imperfections, keeps you cosy and facilitates hiding. I've come up with this natty idea to solve many potential school run troubles. It's a balaclava. Specifically for mums. We can call it the 'mama-clava', if you will.
1) It aids anonymity
Those cringe-inducing moments where you accidentally run over someone's toe with the buggy, or are handing out party invites but couldn't invite everyone - or when you lock eyes with the woman who friend requested you on Facebook but you can't accept her, due to historical shame shenanigans, that you don't want the whole school to hear about. Don a full-face disguise and nobody will ever know who you are again.
2) It hides ugly spots and eye bags
Overindulgence in the recent party season, ongoing skin conditions like acne and rosacea, and general stress and exhaustion from the mummy grind, can result in blemishes and under-eye shadows that are best hidden. Get rid of them with one fell swoop! Pull that thing over your head and nobody's going to see those less desirable parts of your appearance.
3) There's no need for make up
And often, make up doesn't do much anyway. My eye bags are insurmountable. No 'concealer' is going to conceal those suckers. Make up feels slippery on your skin, and takes time to put on (and take off) when time is at a premium. Once caught with no make up on, there's kind of no point keeping up this time-costly money-costly facade. They've already viewed your real visage! Unless you wear a convenient balaclava from the start. Shell out that initial tenner, and more of your time and money are now your own! Seconds to pop it on and take it off. You don't even have to brush your hair.
4) Useful for averting disasters
Your mama-clava can be cleverly employed for multiple purposes, in minor emergencies! Miniature catastrophes can be alleviated at high speed. For example, this handy headgear can turn into a last-minute Spider-Man outfit on non-uniform day, when you arrive at the gates and your offspring is the only one in his regular attire. Bosh.
5) Germs are less able to get in!
There's no cold, vomiting bug or filthy non-specific lingering virus that we haven't had, since we first set foot in a nursery. You hear about this ongoing disease before you become a parent and question the validity of its truth. Until, that is, your child seems to miss half the preschool term. For six years, your life is conducted to a soundtrack of coughing. Wiping thick green snot becomes second nature, as does catching puke with your bare hands. There's antibacterial gel in every pocket, bag and room. But still the germs go round and round. Not any more! Balaclava yourself and your childerbeasts up and enjoy a healthy 2015. You are far likelier to be well, if other people's body fluid cannot make its way into your face. Anything's worth a try, right?
6) It retains warmth
In an ever-stretching Britain, resident parking is restricted and schools don't have space for car parks. There's no choice: we have to walk to school. There's nowhere to park at home, or near school, anyway. This is a growing feature of over-packed areas with oversubscribed schools. It helps you stay fit but it's flipping freezing. Hats only heat half your head (the half with hair on!). Why should the rest of it be exposed to the elements? Give your face a hug with the brand new mama-clava and have happy toasty cheeks on miserable frosty mornings.
7) It encourages children to wrap up
Little ones usually go through phases where they refuse to wear hats, scarves and mittens. So why don't you set a great example that woollies are the way to go, when it comes to the chilly school run? Your kids will notice you in your mama-clava and instantly want to put on their gloves, snoods and beanies too! Well, either that - or they will hate you through sheer embarrassment, recoil with humiliation and publicly disown you, forever ridiculed by their young pals.
Get yours today! It might catch on. It probably won't.