'I don't think I can'. I've just left university and, like many of my friends, am finding the world of employment impossible! Despite my previous internships as well as qualifications, it seems impossible to get a proper paid job so I find myself taking on intern jobs.
It's day one of my internship and I still can't get to grips with the scanning machine. Laura asks ' Do you mind scanning this to me please'? I answer, 'yes of course'. Of course I have absolutely no idea how the bloody machine works! And yes I have been briefed on how to use it. I swear it has about 600 buttons with the weirdest signs. After about ten minutes I get, 'I received it but its wonky and sideways, can you resend it?' 'I don't think I can'...I wanted to say 'Why cant you scan it yourself if it's not perfect? The scanner is closer to your desk than mine anyway!'
Later that day for the fifth time already today I am sent out of the office on yet another errand. This time it is to get Lucy's cake from Hummingbird for her Birthday tea. I am already tired and my arms hurt from previously wrapping up send outs. But of course it's me that has to be sent out, I mean why would anyone else in the office even dream of leaving his or her seat? That's my job, right! Using the company's card I get the most luxurious looking cake and get it neatly wrapped with a gorgeous pink ribbon. It looks impressive.
Walking back to the office holding the cake in my left hand, I see Lucy stepping out directly in front of me. She is only a few meters away. Imagine this, I suddenly dodge to right literally gluing my face to this tree so I look semi hidden whilst flinging the cake over my shoulder. I'm now flustered, in the most awkward position, my fingers are tangled in the plastic holder carrier bag straps and the cake is now probably deformed!
Back in the office I am too embarrassed to get the cake ready in the kitchen for tea. I need to look at it before anyone else to see if it's still alive! I take the cake down to the stock room, remove the ribbon and open the neatly packaged box. Already flushed, my hands are sweaty and of course I'm having an utter nightmare trying to undo the ribbon. Yes, I end up ripping it - great. Once I open the box the cake looks the same as when I bought it - thank god! Why am I even worrying about a cake? I am not even getting paid!
I am back upstairs and already I am being asked to go into the staff kitchen to get cutlery for the cake. 'I don't think I can'. In the kitchen I am alone, YES prime time to stuff my face and munch on the staff biscuits and cereals. I indulge quickly giving myself indigestion. I dread what would happen if someone walked in now and saw me standing here with my hand in the cereal container picking out all the clusters from the cornflakes... I still do it though!
I am in my second week, and on Monday Camilla introduces me to the franking machine. She briefs me on how to use and then dumps about twelve million letters, packages, and boxes on my desk all for send outs. I start franking a few letters. I feel confident, I think yes I get this, it's simple. But no, this is where I was very wrong!
Next I try to frank a package, now this has to be weighed of course. I weigh it but it says it is too heavy; I press a button, another button and then another button. I don't know what I have done but the screen is giving me all different weights and keeps telling me to 'go back'. Go back to what? What made it worse was the machine was now making the most awful noises! Yes, I can feel everyone staring at me thinking what on earth is she doing! For some reason I keep pressing the buttons, I try to fix the machine and sort this problem out! Yes I manage to jam the machine into a permanent beeping sound. Camilla then comes over, fixes it, and tells me to hurry up because the postman is coming at 4.30. I am now frantically franking everything as quick as I can. God knows if any of it will get to their final destinations as I am franking not only the front, but the middle, and even the bloody sides of the letters! I don't care any more; let's just pray it gets there!
Early the next day I am opening the blinds in the boardroom. Yes one would see this as a simple task, but no not for me. The blinds decide to be difficult; I proceed with the normal routine of tugging at the string to pull them up and they get all stuck and twisted. Great, now they look like an unmade bed sheet. I keep pulling, tugging, and yes I did it, the tuggy string you pull becomes locked and the blind now looks even worse and more scrunched up. What on earth have I done? This is the simplest task ever and I find myself complicating it. Ten minutes later I am still flapping around in this room trying to sort out the blinds, everyone in the other room must think what on earth is taking her so long! I keep tugging at the string until I can't pull anymore. Yes they are now stuck. If I pull the string any further I will probably break the blinds.
Later that day I get the boss calling someone's name quite loudly in my direction. I am not sure if she is referring to me, but I definitely know there is no Susan in who works in this room! She keeps saying it so I turn around and she is staring at me now with her big eyes and scary curly hair. I am sorry but how stupid can she be? I have already been working here for three weeks and she still can't remember my name! 'I don't think I can'. Obviously I answer her. She asks, 'Would you mind making me one of those lovely coffees you're so good at making, you know how I like it'. She then half smiles while I get up and walk into the kitchen.
Making the boss coffee always causes me problems because I have to heat up the milk separately and the microwave heating is very temperamental! I put a small jug of milk in for at least three minutes while the kettle boils. Taking the milk out, it is still cold so I put it in again. Six minutes later the milk is still cold! I don't understand this microwave! I put it in again. After another few minutes later I take the milk out and it's risen and decided to spill not only all over the inside of the microwave, but yes all over the sides of the milk jug. The jug now has an outer milk crusted coating around the top which has gone quite hard. I try scraping the crusted coating with a knife whilst scratching the jug! Oh my goodness what have I done!
If this is only week two, I dread to think what else I am capable of doing! 'I really don't think I can'.