THE BLOG

Pushchair Etiquette

06/04/2016 17:30 | Updated 06 April 2016

My pushchair is my constant accessory right now. school run, shops, park, it's there with me. It goes with every outfit, pair of shoes (mainly flat), and handbag (always huge), and will remain in fashion for the foreseeable future. I have gotten so used to this accessory, that I feel naked without it.

A pushchair accessory does come with a few issues though. When simple pushchair etiquette is not adhered to it makes me mad. And when I say mad, I mean I will be huffing and puffing, tutting and rolling my eyes, and muttering things about you under my breath. In general being very British about the whole thing. So to save me from looking slightly unhinged please follow these simple rules:

Rules for Grown Ups:

Do not park your cars on pavements and not leave enough room for me to get pass with the pushchair. Know that if you cause me to have to walk in the road with my pushchair to get around your car, I will accidentally kick your tyres as I walk pass. I bet you are also the dick that parks in the parenting spaces when you don't have any kids with you.

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If you are entering or exiting somewhere before me, please do me the kindness of holding the door open for me. It's simple manners. Did your mother not teach you anything?

When I say "excuse me" because you have chosen the shop doorway as an appropriate place to stop and chat, please kindly move. A half-hearted shuffle doesn't make it any easier for me to get through, and there is a high chance I will run over your toes or ram your ankles with the pushchair. Sorry!

Rules For Older Siblings:

If you are going to jump, let go of the pushchair. Jumping, skipping, hopping, it's all great fun. All in a days work when you are a small person, and walking from A to B in a straight line is both boring and seemingly impossible. It's fine, you jump, skip and hop until your heart is content. Just please do not do it when holding onto the pushchair so as not to dislocate my arms.

Please follow instructions in order to protect yourself. "Let go and walk in front" instructions are normally issued because there is limited room for side by side. Failure to comply with these instructions results in collisions with inanimate objects such as wheelie bins and sometimes people.

Dangerous manoeuvres will result in being shouted at. I know you've just spotted something really cool that you must look at this instant, but stopping suddenly in front of the buggy and causing me to do an emergency stop, or take you out, really isn't in your best interest. Pull that kind of manoeuvre when you are driving and people will call you names. Bad ones.

Rules For The Pushchair Inhabitant:

Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times and remain seated. If Mummy goes to prison for stealing because you grabbed something off the shelf when she wasn't looking, she's taking you down with her.

Shoes and socks must remain on at all times. You may be oblivious to the judging stares and tuts Mummy gets when pushing you around with your bare feet on display, but know that all purchases of replacement socks and shoes are being deducted from your future education / property ladder fund.

Please do not scream and have a major meltdown when I put the rain cover on. I do not put it on for fun. Aside from the fact that it is easier to solve a Rubiks cube than it is to apply a rain cover, I am doing it to protect you from the rain that is lashing down. I on the other hand do not have such protection, neither do I have hands free to hold an umbrella or stop the wind from blowing down my hood. I will therefore be looking very much like a drowned rat.

Planking, screaming, and resisting restraint, every single god damn time is really not necessary/helpful/clever/productive/fun for anyone involved.

If we can all follow the rules then we can all get along just fine.

Do you have any to add?

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