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Collette Walsh

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Men: It's Time to Man Up... and Conquer the Kitchen

Posted: 02/08/11 01:00 BST

I do love these reports about the closing gap between the sexes and how men are getting all domesticated, while we women beat our chests in the boardroom.

Sounds good doesn't it? All these blokes with their Marigold rubber gloves on and pegs in their mouths, hanging out their smalls with dedication and pride.

Yes, these reports always have juicy headlines but rarely any meat in the content. The latest, from Oxford University this week, reveals that the average man has increased the amount of time he spends on domestic duties by more than 60 per cent over the past 30 years.

Actually, the truth is that men are only doing 27 minutes more housework a day than they did 10 years ago. That's an extra three minutes or so a day built up over a decade. Whoopee doo! Hardly revolutionary.

It's time this gap really started closing and working couples truly elect to share household chores - 50-50. Too often, and I know from experience, women are expected to do the famous 'second shift' once they come through the door after a commute from their workplace.

I had a quite a heated debate on this on the radio with Britain's favourite 'cave man' the other night - racing pundit and lovable rogue John McCririck. While calling me ball-breaker (!)..he stood his ground and affirmed that the kitchen is a woman's 'territory' and that it is in our biology to gravitate to the kitchen sink! Well, luckily for John he has a wife that indulges this deluded fantasy and she is in a total minority, thank goodness.

But he did make a good point about assumed gender roles and masculinity. There is still a positive air of resentment from a lot of men at even the slightest suggestion of scrubbing the loo, ironing their own shirts or alternating cooking duties. Hands up, who's had more 'spontaneous take-aways' on his cooking nights than hot dinners?! Yes, same here.

I no doubt there'll be the odd teething problem as the balance is addressed. I once lived with a man who put Cillit Bang crystals in the washing machine instead of washing powder - my frillies literally marched out of the door! I also shared a flat with a guy who would 'save his socks'. Yes, he would leave his stinking socks piling up for weeks and do a 'sock wash'. But at least he did his own washing.

This is not about emasculating men either. There are some jobs men are just better at - I hold my hands up and happily surrender to the fact that I for one cause more damage and destruction with a power tool than a Kenwood Mixer! But at least I give DIY a go and sometimes with good results.

What I'm really stressing here is mutual respect and concern for each other's time and needs. So, gentlemen, pop on that apron... with pride. It signifies that you value you partner (yes, partner) and recognise sharing household chores brings a lot of good returns. Less time arguing over the washing up means less stress and certainly more quality time in the bedroom!

For the record, I don't have a problem with women (or men) who wish to be full-time homemakers. But if you are a working woman living with a man, sharing house chores is important if not essential to love, peace and harmony.

If his strong point is cooking and yours gardening, great, go for it. But, while eating a great dinner is wonderful, washing up afterwards on your own can leave a bitter taste if the task is not shared or at least alternated.

Indeed, I would go as far as saying real men do housework and those who assume it is 'women's work' are truly living in the dark ages and need to step up their game. With men remaining in their independent bachelor years much longer these days, knowing how to cook and clean are not just admirable 'extra' qualities but essential.

Start them young too. Teaching young boys how to cook, tidy up after themselves and yes, wait for it, use a washing machine not only gives them the practical skills to survive on their own once they leave home, but also boosts their esteem. Too often the out-dated notion that domesticity is for women only, comes from the messages received as children. Luckily that's changing.

Just the other day, I watched with great pleasure as my sister instructed her twin eight-year-old sons on the art of washing the pots. Yes, there were huffs and eyes rolling (mainly my sister's) but once they had completed the task (and aching to get out the kitchen door to play football) they were really pleased with themselves.

Just look at the 'Jamie Oliver' generation - these are the guys who are now as savvy and sophisticated in the kitchen as any Nigella Lawson wannabes. Yes, the likes of Jamie and Gordon Ramsay have made the kitchen sexy, masculine and creative for a whole new generation of men. Long may it reign.

There will always be the cavemen who would rather sit living in a pig sty eating junk than lift a finger in the name of domesticity. But if they want to catch a modern day woman, they need to put their remote control down and pick up a feather duster.

 

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04:42 PM on 08/07/2011
Given modern gadgets, modern homes and what a guy can do in 27 minutes, I think this is a great achievement.
04:19 PM on 08/07/2011
It's interesting that the author would use a term (man up) that really does nothing more than challenge a mans masculinty. I guess if one chooses to use humiliation in an attempt to change or control anothers behavior she'd do well to appear on Jerry Springer.

I suspect the author is young......bright ....but not yet wise.
04:44 PM on 08/07/2011
She confuses boys with men.
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Lunamoth
Already against the next man-made disaster
03:45 PM on 08/07/2011
One solution to a man's dirty laundry is to stop doing it. When he asks why, teach him to use the machine.The same for cooking. Persons should cook for pleasure and enjoyment, not role-playing, unless it has been discussed and tasks are equally shared.
In America, women literally dropped the ball by not continuing to insist the ERA be ratified.
Many mothers still coddle their young boys, treating their young girls as if they were more suited for the positions of cleaner and cook. If these mothers will stop this ridiculous behavior, the problem will end all by itself.
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Lunamoth
Already against the next man-made disaster
03:50 PM on 08/07/2011
I'd also add that dads need to stop treating their daughters with kid gloves and teach them to mow the yard, fix the car, do some plumbing, etc.
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Vieux Charles
Educating America, one liberal at a time
02:13 PM on 08/07/2011
I work a minimum of 50 hours a week, manage the finances, take care of the yard, clean the cat litter, do my fair share of picking up around the house, do half the dishes, and half the cooking.

My wife on the other hand is the professional homemaker. She does all the laundry (insists on it) and half of all the other chores.

My three neighbors (one medically retired, one a part-time handy-man, the other a teacher w/summers off) think I'm getting the short end of the deal - after all their wives are the bread winners AND do most of the housework.

But, then again, they wouldn't dream of doing what I did, going out on a whim and buying a $50,000 sports car.
01:58 PM on 08/07/2011
Consumerism has made females miserable, because they will never have the perfect body that the advertisers keep redefining. They also want to "share" their misery with men. Stop maxing out the credit cards and trying to make slaves out of men.
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Nelson Montana
Artist, Author, Composer
01:26 PM on 08/07/2011
Okay, but first a few questions...

How's that big hot thing in the kitchen work again? Someone said you should always turn it on to 350. Is that right?

I also don't have a dishwasher but I do seem to have a dish cleaning fairy who comes in while I'm napping. Whoosh! Dirty dishes turn to clean ones. (I wonder if my wife is aware of this?)

I react to a vacuum cleaner much like the dog. It's noisy and scary and just want to yell at it.

Seriously, I think this is a stereotype borne of sitcoms and Erma Bombeck devotees. Men should do their share of housework but please, do not put an apron on your son. Just...don't.
01:02 PM on 08/07/2011
Women need to stop exploiting men's love of women by complaining about everything including the kitchen sink. Not discrepancy between male and females requires the attention of a social movement. We don't need to encourage men to do house work or discourage them from fighting their way to the board room. Equality means we can do whatever we want not get hen pecked by women who see every gender difference as proof of discrimination. Every couple finds their own balance and if some men don't want to clean and can find accommodating women , so be it. We don't have to convert the man or women. Our modern culture does not deem cleaning a man or women's job so it's their choice and their problem. We need to mind our business and let people be who they are.

Realistically men do plenty of cleaning, cooking, child care, and just about every other domestic duty short of breast feeding. The generalized complaints need to stop it's dated rhetoric that does not correctly asses modern thought, culture, or attitudes.
01:44 PM on 08/07/2011
Hey. That is exactly what I was thinking. Well said.
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Lunamoth
Already against the next man-made disaster
03:47 PM on 08/07/2011
So say two men...
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bvbklyn
12:15 PM on 08/07/2011
I have worked all my life so the notion that I get to do doubletime on maintenance is not appealing. Males want to make it about gender roles but I often think the reason is really that want to remain boys who are taken care of by mom. A man who is really a man is not responding to bravado but acting as an adult. It would seem that if a man loves a woman enough to make her a wife, he would not turn her in to a free maid service and child caretaker if she is carrying a full time job. Kids need their dads. My father was absent from anything that wasn't cutting grass with a power mower. My daughters friends all have jobs and avoidant husbands. It doesn't make for comradery when the little woman is the domestic unless she sees herself that way, a role by the way which isn't either paid well or respected. I don't like it's particularly feminine to enjoy mainenance anymore than its particularly masculine to see domestic chores below him.
10:47 PM on 08/02/2011
I'm old fashioned. Women take care of the inside stuff, men take care of the yard/car/carpentry/plumbing ect. Now I don't mind cleaning up and washing dishes but unless you want a sand pit in the living room don't ask me to vacuum, and a mop is an object you break over someones head in a bar fight.
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Collette Walsh
10:10 PM on 08/03/2011
Thanks James... that made me smile! This male allergy for mops and vacuum cleaners is getting around! Collette
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07:47 PM on 08/02/2011
You women are a real piece of work, cry and complain and try to emasculate your man by making him feel bad, then rejoice when he starts doing laundry or dishes, yet I dont find any women voluntarily taken out garbage, shoveling driveways, fixing the car, witing, plumbing, and carpentry work around the house, men still do all these things too, but a man wont complain, he actually liked the old days when a man would open a womens car door then open his own. Feminists complained that was sexist so now we stopped and you complain about that too, amazing philosophy of life you all have.
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tomteboda
09:18 PM on 08/02/2011
I'm single. So I do the laundry, dishes, garbage, shovel, fix the car, handle wiring, plumbing, and carpentry. My mom could do all those things, and greenbreak a horse, castrate pigs, and throw hay bales with the men... and did.

Talking about all "men" or "women" as though a cohesive and identical whole is pointless.
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10:16 PM on 08/02/2011
And i wonder why your single, you behave like a man, as most feminists do, try acting like a lady and you may find yourself a real man.
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Boduognat
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'entrate.
12:56 PM on 08/07/2011
And don't forget all the overtime at work to save up for the eventual ali-money.
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Lee Chalmers
Leadership consultant, tech geek, GTD coach
11:28 AM on 08/02/2011
I broadly agree with this piece but think we need to move further, away from the idea that men will be 'helping their partners' when they do this work. That still assumes that it somehow rightly belongs to the woman. House work belongs to everyone in the house. Often men who wash up or put a washing on look for some sort of congratulations or thanks that they would never think of giving the woman.
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Collette Walsh
10:12 PM on 08/03/2011
Thanks Lee - appreciate your feedback. The expectation of some sort of reward/award for doing tasks is something a lot of women have mentioned. Cheers for the comment. Collette
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Lunamoth
Already against the next man-made disaster
03:54 PM on 08/07/2011
I was raised to believe that this was true. My mother constantly complained that "she had to do everything" but it did not serve her by causing others to help out. I followed her suit for awhile, going behind and cleaning up. No more. I learned to make the point clear, that everyone is responsible for cleaning up after themselves. We all live here, we all work here! Not a strange concept, when you think about it :-) It's amazing what social and cultural conditioning can do to common sense....
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mediumal57
Moderate Extremist
06:40 AM on 08/02/2011
Well I'm a male that now lives alone and so I do 100% of the household work. This should offset a few of us who are in relationships with females. John McCririck unfortunately, is a bit of a dinosaur. New Man he certainly isn't. I was a lousy husband I have to confess, and expected or rather assumed that my ex would do all the kitchen stuff. It's one of the reasons why I'm now divorced. Still. Now I'd make some woman a decent cook and pot washer. I can even iron my own shirts and and tell the difference between biological and non-biological washing powder.

It's all about how lads are brought up though isn't it? Mothers can be their own worst enemies really, especially with boys. Over-indulgent to the point of thoroughly ruining them for the next most important woman that comes into their lives - the girlfriend and possible future missus. My son bless him never suffered and awas taught to be a lot self-reliant. He's now a chef in London and so his fashion designer girlfriend is well catered for. She's to busy to cook in any case.
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Collette Walsh
10:15 PM on 08/03/2011
Thanks so much for this - I am impressed! I also agree about it being about how you are brought up. It is great that your son has all these skills and can share the responsibility of running his home with his busy working girlfriend. Hey, and thanks for your honesty too.. Collette
01:03 AM on 08/02/2011
Kind of an easy article to write. Men do less of the tasks women have traditionally done. Sure, yep, fine. As a single dad who runs my own household (yes, really, and the loo is currently clean), I obviously find it a bit of tedious argument which fails to reflect diversity and certainly doesn't reflect my experience.

The important data is not "how much housework do men do" or, even, "how much car maintenance do women do". If you really want to ask 'are things fair', you need to look at time use data as a whole. Even in the 2000/1 ONS Time Use Study, we learnt that women do more unpaid work, men do more paid work, the bottom line was that women and men do about the same amount of 'work' (be that paid, unpaid or childcare) and have about the same amount of leisure time.

Funnily enough, that survey found that with about the same amount of leisure time, women spend a little more of it in bed, sleeping, while men spent a little more at pubs, playing sport etc. The difference was pretty marginal though. Bottom line... men and women were both pulling their weight... a decade ago. It's all there in the report published by the Equal Opportunities Commission (the gender equity body incorporated into the Equality Commission).
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Sam Butler
11:48 PM on 08/01/2011
My partner begs me to let her have a turn in the kitchen! Come to think of it, cooking is much more popular amongst my male friends than female.

Maybe we've just found a new thing to compete over?
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Collette Walsh
12:20 AM on 08/02/2011
Good on you Sam!! We need more blokes like you! Men make fantastic cooks and have loads of good role models; so that helps. It is the tidying up after that can start the heat rising! Cheers, Collette
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Sam Butler
12:50 AM on 08/02/2011
Last weekend I spent 24 hours cooking a shoulder of pork for a dinner party on the Saturday night. I set my alarm, got up twice in the night and then early in the morning to rebaste it. It was worth it.

If that isn't dedication to cooking I don't know what is! Admittedly I did then think that that had earned me a reprieve from the clear up. But that's another matter...