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Five Types of Lesbian NEVER To Date

16/01/2015 11:26 GMT | Updated 17/03/2015 09:59 GMT

It's a battle field out there. The LGBT dating scene is infinitely more exclusive straight dating, so here are the 5 types of Lesbian/Bi woman to be avoided at all costs -

1. The Alpha Addict

Traits - Image obsessed, narcissistic and devastatingly beautiful, the Alpha Addict is poison. Addicted to maintaining their reputation, they can be spotted at the bar never buying their own drinks and consider themselves top of the lesbian food chain.

How To Spot - Just ask them the question "So which character from The L Word are you?". If her answer is OhMyGodI'mTotallyShane with a cocky head-jerk... Run away. Fast.

Why Not? - Because, although the character of Shane is fun to watch on screen (and yeah, I totally would) it's not the sort of woman you want. A self assured, uninhibited heart-breaker? Not healthy. If you're going for this kind of girl, you need a serious self esteem check. That has self-sabotage written all over it.

2. Scene Queens

Traits - Scene Queens are always out and obsessed with reputation, lez-networking and knowing every piece of gossip. One of her exes is always out and she always has to make a big deal about it, dragging her friends dramatically into the toilets to discuss it in hushed voices.

How To Spot - Usually darting from group to group in the gay bar, these girls seem to know everyone. They've got promo pictures of themselves on your favourite lez-clubs Facebook pages and most of their tweets are about what happens after 2am.

Why Not? - Because scene girls are just teenagers who never grew up. They're desperate to "sit at the cool table" so will invest an incredible amount of time and effort into staying with the in crowd... At all costs. Remember that gossip they're always spouting? Well next thing you know it's going to be about you. Steer clear.

3. The Tourist

Traits - Otherwise known as a Faux-Mo (Fake Homo), a tourist is someone who is on the scene to "see the sights" without wanting to... You know... Buy any souvenirs.

How To Spot - They're clearly straight but have made a token attempt at looking the part (wearing Converse, hair up). Now straight women love hanging out at gay bars - we're a fun bunch after all and they don't have to worry about getting touched up by greasy men. They'll tend to be on the dance floor, drunk, having the time of their bloody lives.

Why Not? - As Alex Vause wisely said in OITNB - "Rule Number One, Don't ever fall in love with a straight girl"

4. Gold Star Snobs

Traits - These girls will only date women they deem to be "genuine lesbians" and turn their noses up at anyone who can even spell penis. They're the racists of the LGBT community, making Bi-women feel ashamed by shunning anyone who lives a life that isn't die-hard-lez. Now this is oppression from within and and it has to stop. Bisexuality is valid. Love and let love.

How To Spot - Surrounded by only other Gold Star lesbians, they consider themselves the elite of Gay-Land. They always have perfect eyebrows, for some reason. It's uncanny. Although all the better for raising them disapprovingly at people, I suppose.

Why Not? - Because why would you want to associate with someone that closed-minded? Being Bisexual (damn right, that's a capital B) and being a lesbian is the same flavour of sexuality and so there should be no scowling or judgemental glares. Let's leave that to the uninformed, shall we? Gold Star Snobs are just as oppressive to the LGBT movement as homophobic people.

5. Teeny-Dykes

Traits - Teeny-Dykes are always on social media, constantly texting/tweeting/instagramming and generally have a gaggle of giggling girls surrounding them, all equally as "squeally" and annoying as each other. They have pictures of all of their shoes in a huddle as their cover photos. Because that's a thing, apparently.

How To Spot - They're using Txt Spk and Emoticons in abundance and have every app from Tumblr to Twitter, which are updated almost hourly. They spell it "Heyyy". Fans of playing pranks and drinking games, a simple conversation just isn't enough for these ladies. When in their natural habitat, they're insufferable and loud, reminding you of a group of 14 year old girls at their first un-chaperoned party.

Why Not? - Unless you want to resign yourself to evenings of ear-piercing shrieking and a constant level of excitement/enthusiasm that even a 12 year old in a sweet factory couldn't maintain, then back away. Dating Teeny-Dykes is exhausting.

So there you have it, my words of warning. But if you're already too far in to one of these women? Then I suggest you buy a cat in advance... You're about to have your heart broken.