THE BLOG

The One With Half Term

27/10/2014 16:07 GMT | Updated 27/12/2014 10:59 GMT

So we've made it to half term!

We've had no tears or major tantrums and the boy seems to be enjoying himself. He is however getting tired and I fear the novelty may be wearing off. He keeps asking,

"Where am I going today?"

When I answer "School darling", he looks forlorn and exclaims "What again? I have been to school a lot you know."

I think he's ready for the break and I have to admit so am I.

The school run isn't too bad, (7 minutes door to door if the traffic is ok), but I am still negotiating the politics of the playground, and I pride myself that I have managed to get to half term without having actually spoken to any of the other mums.

I know, I know I'm a miserable so and so, but to be brutally honest with you I can't be doing with getting into all that playground mum, coffee morning stuff.

To quote Lemon Cake Husband, when he went to their first NCT meeting, "I've got enough friends thank you."

The mornings are ok because there's no hanging about. It's pick up time that's the problem. That awkward 5 minutes between 3.15 and 3.20 when we stand shivering in the playground waiting for them to come out. I'm not blatantly rude and there are a couple I nod and say hello to, but I really don't want to start being chummy chummy, certainly not at this stage.

My view is we're in this for the long haul and I want to let the boy form some friendships before I start getting chummy with the mummies.

Also I don't want to get coerced into 'helping out' with school trips, swimming lessons, PTA meetings or running the tombola at the school fete.

I know I'm mean and horrible but I just don't want to be deal with other people's kids. I love my boy and my friends kids but quite frankly I can't be doing with the rest.

And I bet there's loads of mums who feel the same but aren't brave enough to say it.

Just because I'm a mum it doesn't mean I suddenly became an earth mother. I'm much better with children than I used to be - I mean loads better - because I used to bloody hate kids. Even as a child I used to hate kids. I wanted to be with the adults and listen to their mystical adult conversation. I couldn't wait to grow up and be like them.

Be careful what you wish for hey!

You know how some girls from about aged 10 onwards are really good with young kids and display that 'motherly' instinct when they play with them? You'd have thought someone had poisoned me if you stuck me near a small child. Cuddling babies! No chance.

I ditched the toy pram and dollies very quickly in preference of fluffy animals, who I used to marry off to each other most Saturday afternoons. I'd hold a mock service for the happy cuddly couple, followed by a bears wedding reception with tiny little sandwiches, bits of 'Mr Kipling' Victoria sponge and a free bar consisting of a selection of unopened miniature bottles of booze my Nanny had brought back for us off the Felixstowe to Hook of Holland ferry.

I'd hold all this in the corner of our lounge, as close to the record player as possible, so I could be the DJ and spin those discs at the 'evening do', where yet more fluffs and stuffs would arrive. The light show for the disco would involve a torch and a variety of coloured wrappers from Quality Street chocolates, that were whipped in front of the light very, very quickly.

You may think that this story shows a little girl who was desperate to get married, but no. I was a little girl desperate to be a DJ and party planner. As long as the guests were all made of nylon stuffing and fake fur and the buffet was in miniature then I was sorted.

So I know the day will come when one of the mums approaches me to introduce herself, as 'our children seem to be such great friends' and 'maybe we should organise a playdate'? But until then I'm keeping my head down, nodding it occasionally and getting the hell out of that playground the moment the boy comes running towards me Because I'm dreading it.

Unless of course their kid fancies playing 'bears wedding reception'?