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Celebrity Big Brother - The Launch

07/01/2015 23:37 GMT | Updated 09/03/2015 09:59 GMT

There was a vague attempt at a fairy tale theme to this year's Celebrity Big Brother, with the role of the wicked witch being played by (who else?) Katie Hopkins. She generously shared with us her view on the world. "I don't like fat people. I don't like ginger people." Ginger people? What, like gingerbread people? Or people with ginger hair? Alas, Katie was too busy spouting her particular brand of minor public school, fourth form-ish bile, to elaborate further.

Hopkins was given a secret task, blah blah, something about choosing two celebrities, something something, talking mirror. Anyway, here was Patsy Kensit, whose face is so shiny and tight should she go out in the sun she'll have to prick it with a fork. "I fart a lot," she revealed. Pats might win though, wind problems notwithstanding. She's nice.

Next up, Perez Hilton, who was keen to let us know that he's had a lot of feuds with celebrities. "I'm fun, fabulous and fearless!" he yelled. Yeah, we'll be the judge of that, thanks. He was followed by Ken Morley (Reg Holdsworth from Corrie) who was boring. Soz Ken. Ken was followed by a woman who said her name was Cami Li and that she was "kinda a big deal". Not with me love. Never heard of you.

Calum Best, now running out of reality TV shows on which to, er, 'star', told us that he had never been in love, and has always lived alone. I remember you on Celebrity Love Island, Calum. And that was probably your career high point. Alicia Douvall told us she had undergone over 300 cosmetic procedures, information which was entirely unnecessary, the visual evidence being overwhelming. Alicia seemed quite sweet and anyone who loves playing Scrabble is okay by me.

What Alexander O'Neal is doing in the CBB house is beyond me. Maybe he has a huge tax bill to pay. Alexander confessed "Aah doan like people wit GAZ." One hoped he wouldn't choose a bed next to Patsy's. Perhaps he could kip next to Nadia Sawalha, who confided that the only reason she was doing Celebrity Big Brother was that she wanted an extension built onto her kitchen. Props to Nadia.

Jeremy Jackson introduced himself. Nope, me neither. Kavana, a pop sensation in the 90s, apparently. Nope as well. Then it was Michelle Visage, a judge on the fabulous RuPaul's Drag Race I liked her a lot. A woman called Chloe Goodman appeared. Nope once more. Finally, Keith Chegwin, fully clothed, for mercy. He said "Wha-HAYYYY!" twice in his first sentence. I hope he pals up with Michelle and Patz.

The final twist, if twist it is, was that Hopkins had to be nice to everyone or risk suffering her worst nightmare. We weren't told what that was, but I should imagine it's being ignored. Oh, the two slebs up for eviction are Chloe and Alexander.

With one or two notable exceptions, reality television competitions are always won by the decent person. Decent is an under-used adjective these days, but it is appropriate here I think. Taken to mean of a good standard or quality, honest and fair, this is the kind of person that usually wins. But for someone like rent-an-opinion Hopkins, winning isn't the point. She'll get her fee and the oxygen of publicity, something to which she is clearly addicted. For people like Patsy Kensit it's a chance to breathe life into a career now in the doldrums. For a nobody like Kavana, it's a few quid and and alternative to sitting on his sofa eating cereal out of the packet whilst waiting for the next episode of Diagnosis Murder.

The crux of shows like this is that you can't hide your true personality. Hopkins' secret task was to sit behind a two-way mirror and bitch about the other contestants. Obviously live shows can't be rehearsed, but she was shown to be nervous, flustered, hesitant and supremely unfunny. Her much-vaunted razor-sharp opinions were as blunt as a piece of week-old cheese.