Richard Hammond is right. Eating ice cream does mean you are, indeed, a homosexual. Here's a handy guide to help you identify our frozen dairy-chomping poofs.
The Mini Milk Gay
The Mini Milk gay is the epitome of totes #femme twink realness. Got a BA in sucking dick from practicing on strawberry Mini Milks as a teen. Loves it when boys splatter their ice cream on his face and shouts 'YAAAAASSSSSS' whenever he sees the Walls logo. Can find him in the smoking area of G-A-Y Late eyeing up the fridge at the off-licence over the road in preparation for his next challenge.
The Maxibon Gay
100% pure #masc4masc Daddy. Hard, tasty and leaves you with the taste of nuts in your mouth. Eats nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs and rocks (and ice cream, of course). Straight acting only. Will leave you trembling on the bed begging him for more... ice cream. Last seen walking out of a Vauxhall chillout with a box of Feast ice creams. Can accom.
The Twister Gay
Leather kilt wearing big bear bottom with thick thighs, salt and pepper beard and arms like tree trunks. Often seen in XXL eye fucking you while sucking on a Twister lolly. Looks like a man Richard Hammond wouldn't suspect as a real life gay but that illusion quickly smashed as he speaks in the sweetest Aberdeenshire accent as ice cream slowly dribbles down his chin. Loves Kylie, poppers and a fruit flavoured ice lollies.
The Choc Ice Gay
Wants to settle down with a nice boyfriend, in a nice house in Clapham and have a nice normal life with a nice normal job which definitely isn't hairdressing or in theatre. Choc Ice is his frozen treat of choice but he is definitely not defined by his love of ice cream. You could say he's non-scene. Wears shirts from M&S and watches The Grand Tour. Voted Leave. Likes Hammond and would like to have a few pints with him and 'the lads'.
The Cornetto Gay
Cute, bow-tie wearing geek. Pretty straight laced on the outside but a bit of a minx in the bedroom. Pretty average. Loves the little brown treat when you get to the end of the cone and the sweet sauce drizzled on top. Swallows the whole thing in minutes. Fan of Bake-Off. Never seen Top Gear and thinks Richard Hammond is a type of shampoo. President of the Knitting Club in high school and always first in line when Mr Whippy drives into his street. Doesn't have Grindr because he wants to find Mr. Right. And ice cream.
The Fab Gay
Lights, camera, erection! This fabulous Fab munching gay has seen Wicked 7 times and even has a poster of Kristin Chenoweth on his bedroom wall. His favourite part of this particular ice cream is the rainbow sprinkles on the top. How camp. How fab! Best moment of his life was getting tonsillitis so he could eat as much ice cream as he wanted. Saw Harry Potter and the Cursed Child so looks down on you. Has a Spotlight link on his Twitter and 'official' in his username. Credits include: Panto in Runcorn and an amateur production of Rent at Sidcup Community Centre.
Basically, Richard Hammond is an idiot.Suggest a correction