THE BLOG

Irritations and Solutions: Commuting

25/09/2014 16:58 BST | Updated 23/11/2014 10:59 GMT
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Wild with being sick of commuting? Day in, day out, way in, way out? Asked God for help and found him closed? Hungry for resolution? Here's my try.

The price. There's the first killer punch to the mood. What are they making petrol out of these days? Melted down engagement rings? Your best bet is to avoid the car wherever possible and as soon as it's an option, invest in a new one that runs on electricity and change. That or go completely the other way and get a couple of horses to pull you car along for you.

You're also right to be irritated by the cost of public transport. It's impossible to justify the perpetual rises, unless of course it turns out the fuel it all runs on is unicorn blood.

Don't bother with trying cycling instead, it's too suicidey. Here are the real potential solutions:

- Let them bring themselves down, ride it out. Eventually it'll be so expensive to travel on trains the only people who'll be able to afford it will be train staff. Without anyone normal near a rail staff member to level them out they'll kill each other. Poisoned by the concentrated punctiliousness in the air.

- Children travel free. Simple: reverse age, like Benjamin Button or Ryan Giggs.

- Old people travel free. Just age faster. You can do this in fun ways like sunbathing, smoking and other exciting drug taking. Or you can do it in the noble way: parenting. For the fastest age accelerator of all time, you'll need to become prime minister.

Public transport is too busy, during peak commuter hours. No doubt you're irritated if you're pressed up against disgusting strangers twice a day. A few tips:

- Make yourself smaller. I don't mean a diet, boring. Do you really need all the things you've got with you? The gym bag? The big hat? Both legs? No.

- Get that toddler's toy which provides a high-pitched repetition of every noise anyone near it makes. Carry it at all times. That usually clears an area around you and if not it will definitely enforce a bit of peace and quiet.

- Buy a fake gun shot wound from a joke shop and attach that to yourself. You will have to do some 'dying' acting. If you live in London you can rest assured that no-one will care, let alone embarrass you by trying to help. Most likely people will move away, though, and then you'll get a chair.

- Hold a bible, have a little practice of your reading out loud. Although this last one is already getting a little over-done.

Do you drive to work? No doubt you're sick of screaming "You f**kin* PR**K" etc. etc. as nearby morons cut you up and all the other terrible things. These outbursts only make you angrier, they're helping no-one. Now, this solution works. Do not, whatever you do, repress your hot rage. No, release it, just as you normally would, but do it in a series of ridiculous voices or even better, in song.

The X-Factor announcer voice is a good one for things like "This. Is. The. Fast. Lane. Why. Are. You. In. It? Welcome to the stage RACHEL ADEDEJI'.

Any character from Father Ted works well at a junction if you're waiting for someone to show a modicum of human courtesy and let you out.

And if someone's driving right up your dark side and won't be shifted try and full rendition of 'Les Miserables' about it.

You wrath will be released. Rather than further fanning its flames, you will have tickled yourself back into a lovely mood.

Railway staff that think they're funny are annoying. The ones with tannoys, saying "Smile love, it might never happen.'

Here it's necessary to approach them in person and do one of these things in their face:

- Slow hand clap

- Cry

- Enter a coma

- Sh*t yourself

Wheely bags. The silent, under-eye-line devil's spawn of commutesville. Ban them. If anyone insists on still using them the following should occur: They should have to wear a big, glowing sash or armband, like a hen or a nazi. Then whenever you like, you're allowed to approach them. It's preferable to do it when they're both in a rush and not expecting it and just take their legs out. If you can't get a full swipe of their feet from under them, make sure to at least cause some bruising.

If none of these help you enough and it's not an option to change to a job where you can work from home. Well, then you'll have to finally get round to learning to fly. Hurry up evolution.