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Dear Dredge - The UK's Foremost Untrained Agony Uncle Attempts to Help You With Your Problems

20/07/2015 17:40 BST | Updated 20/07/2016 10:59 BST

Dear Dredge,

Both my father and my mother have been banjo players since before the war, along with all of my cousins and ancestors. Sadly I am unable to play the instrument despite having had 3,5050461 lessons, and instead I have had to make do with the ukulele. My parents have virtually disowned me and I have been ostracized by a number of ostriches and other members of the local banjo-playing community. What should I do?

Don, Prestwood

Dear Don,

Why not disguise the ukulele as a banjo? If anyone asks you why it still sounds like a ukulele, simply change the subject.

Dear Dredge,

My husband has decided to hire the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra to mow our lawn. He feels that not only would the large number of people involved help get the task completed more quickly, but they might give us a performance afterwards at no extra cost. We are both fans of classical music and effective gardening, but is this a step too far?

Gladys, Frinton

Dear Gladys,

The RPO are not widely known for their lawn mowing skills so it may prove a costly mistake, with the possibility of sheet music left strewn all over the garden. I would recommend you use the Kronos String Quartet instead, as they have excellent horticultural skills, and are happy to give recitals after completing any gardening work. They also take up a lot less room.

Dear Dredge,

I am writing a concerto for camels as I believe these magnificent creatures have been ignored by the classical music world for too long. Do you have any advice?

Len, Nahden-on-Sea

Dear Len,

Speaking as a composer of concertos for camels myself, I can only applaud this move. However if you do have to give a performance in the desert, make sure you take some suntan lotion with you. I should add that a camelologist friend of mine recently pointed out that camels fear the key of G, so why not write it in A-flat or, if you need more room, A-house.

Dear Dredge is one of the features that can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here: