Admit it. You're on Facebook as we speak - third tab opened in Firefox hiding behind "work emails" and that unfinished report. Meanwhile, your Facebook mobile app is pinging you erratically, all thanks to that green dot that sits almost permanently next to your name.
The meteoric success of Facebook is truly astounding.
They've got us hitting the refresh button every five seconds, each time with a renewed hope for a bright red speech bubble to appear in the solid blue strip at the top of the page. And then it is Christmas morning all over again when a notification does pop up.
Whilst there are many positives about this amazingly successful website, I've chosen for comedic purposes to highlight in this article, a less endearing aspect of Facebook - the annoying Facebook friends we all have to live with. The problem with these people is not that they are annoying but rather that they are annoying but not enough to be deleted. #firstworldproblems
1. The Drama Monger:
These are people who share their drama with the world, but only in vague sentences and never with any context. When they're upset, they take to Facebook and sensibly communicate only through status updates. Don't ask these people what's going on. They'll just get mad because "it is none of your business".
2. Mr & Mrs My-Life-Is-So-Great-Let-Me-Rub-It-In-Your-Face:
These are friends who keep posting about their perfect life - pictures and statuses of their perfect school, perfect house, perfect holiday, perfect everything - ugh. You hate them for showing off but you click 'like' anyway.
3. The Sharer:
They flood your newsfeed with inspirational quotes, angry political posts and hilarious Internet memes. If only they were ever original. But what are you complaining about? They're doing your lazy self a favour by turning Facebook into your central hub for information and sometimes even entertainment in a cheap exchange for your like.
4. The Sadistic Glutton:
It is 2 o'clock in the morning, and you scroll down your newsfeed. These friends choose the most ungodly hours to post pictures of their disgustingly delicious dinner, taken in macro mode no less. You're tucked tightly in bed, teeth brushed and tummy rumbling, waving your fist furiously in the air.
5. The Birthday Snob:
They remove their date of birth from Facebook and expect people to remember to wish them on their birthday. They tell you, "If you are a true friend, you would remember". You can only nod out of politeness.
6. The Notorious Liker:
They like all your status updates, photos and shares. Thanks to them, your two hours away from Facebook is handsomely rewarded with likes in the double digits. The only problem is that you hardly even know them. You just accepted their friend request to avoid being rude after meeting them briefly at a party almost two years ago.
7. The Gaming Spammer:
They trick you into short-lived euphoria by contributing to your notification count. Upon seeing that it is actually just a lame invitation to join Candy Crush Saga, you wished you could tell them to get a life. But then you realise you'll have to find yourself one first.
8. The Philosophical Camwhore:
Usually girls, they take shameless selfies and annoyingly caption them with a deep quote about life from an important person, as if they knew that a picture of their face needed a better reason to be on the Internet.
9. The Fickle Face:
These perpetrators change their profile pictures and cover photos almost as often as they change their underwear. You've only started identifying them with their latest profile picture and then they switch it to a different but similarly vain one again? Inconsiderate!
10. The Pretend Friend:
This elusive species appears but once a year on your birthday. They're nice enough to emerge from oblivion to wish you happy birthday but the sad thing about this Facebook friendship is that you're not allowed to hold any grudges because you likely do the same to them.
As much as we want to smack the backs of the heads of these annoying Facebook friends and shake them by their shoulders, demanding reasons for why they do what they do, we must realise that Facebook wouldn't be half as fun without them and their gross violations of normalcy.
The remedy to all this is simple - we all just need to get out more!
Follow Julian Tan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/julianlipyi