I am comedian Kai Humphries. Each autumn I tour throughout the UK with my fellow stand-up and flatmate Daniel Sloss. This year we also roll out the tour to Europe for the first time, visiting 18 major cities over 21 dates. To amuse myself whilst we travel between cities (and whilst Daniel snores) I am keeping a journal of our adventures in the style of a scientific journal where my study subject is Daniel and my role as his support act is merely a disguise to cover up my true objective which is to psycho-analyse his behaviour.
Date: 9 November 2014
Subject: Daniel Sloss
It was pleasant to say the least finally having some company for breakfast after two long weeks of dining alone. To my delight our promoter from the show, Berang, was already seated sipping a coffee and nibbling on some cooked meats when I arrived heavy eyed in the hotel's designated communal dining area. Restaurant, I think, would be too fancy a word to describe the minimalistic style of food presentation the hotel had opted for. I grabbed some ham, cheese and hard bread from the ration board and joined Berang in sitting. In the absence of Daniel, who chooses to end his fast late in the afternoon sooner than conforming to the conventional tradition of consuming a waking meal, we discussed whether or not the girl who rather playfully opened conversation with him (Daniel) in the street last night was of age. Although the girl who showed interest in Daniel outside of a bar was comely and could pass as an adult based on appearance alone, some of her affectations suggested otherwise, the fact her alcoholic beverage was in a vessel she owned and not the property of a publican inclined me to assume she wasn't in possession of valid identification, and her asking strangers for cigarettes opposite a seven-eleven store that sold them told me she lived off an allowance, not a wage. We concluded that her womanhood was an illusion and that Daniel's instincts to not engage in the flirtatious repartee she had commenced could possibly have saved his career and his freedom.
Seeing as we have a day off from travelling and performing today, and Berang doesn't return to Sweden until tomorrow, we all agreed on applying our free time to recreation. Daniel joined us to eventually ingest some food as we lunched on the fresh catch of the day before our Icelandic host, Ari, picked us up. We are now being transported out of the city through an unforgiving terrain of lava and moss towards the Blue Lagoon, a natural volcanic spring warmed conveniently to a perfect temperature for relaxation by the bosom of Mother Earth herself.
When we cast off our robes and pranced ungracefully in semi undress towards the cloud of vapour that concealed the surface of the volcanic spring water, the arctic wind cut through our bones with vicious hostility. Goose-flesh spread quickly across my entire surface, priming my skin perfectly for the overwhelming sensation of then being immersed in liquid steam some seconds later. Once submerged I was certain I could quite contently live the rest of my days neck deep in this water. Now I'm not one to the condone the commercialisation of a natural delight but I must concede that installing a bar in a volcanic spring was a stroke of undisputed genius. Just as the earth warmed water heats you from the outside in, the air chilled beer cools you from the inside out, causing an occluded front in your veins that culminates into a storm of sheer satisfaction. Meanwhile, Daniel instantly came out in a rash.
Despite Daniel's dermatological discomfort he insisted he was fine to continue the afternoon's activities, the grotesque raised blemishes flushing across his skin tissue like a time-lapse of mould consuming a sandwich is allegedly something that happens to him quite often in water. How very inconvenient that his kryptonite happens to be the key ingredient of which he is made.
After a wonderful day in Earth's natural spa we all retreated for a nap, when we regrouped Daniel's skin had returned to its original vitality and we went for a meal minus the company of the native Ari who had family obligations. The meal was one of pure indulgence, Daniel, Berang and I quite frugally filled the table with espresso martinis, red wine, mink whale, langoustine tails, sushi and steak amongst other finesse touches to our platter. I must admit, I forgot who I was for a moment, and although the bill translated into pounds as a lot less than we anticipated, I think I must write off any hope of this particular part of the social study as being financially beneficial and fly onwards to Geneva tomorrow of the frame of mind that I thoroughly enjoyed my holiday in Iceland.
We followed up the meal with some beers and were joined by a friend of ours from home and her boyfriend who are also in town, I happened upon a deck of cards in the drinking establishment and taught our five strong group an exciting multi-player game that I learned from an Arabian lady when I visited Malta in 2013. On introducing this game into our circle we witnessed Daniel exhibiting an exuberant display of competitive vigour. He played that game of cards like his life depended on it, and consistently lost, fortunately his mortality was not actually at stake, but if it was, he'd be dead.
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