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I Heart Pat Sharp

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Famed for his dubious '80s-hairstyle rather than any discernible talent, it is little wonder that former DJ and Fun House presenter Pat Sharp is keen to make an impression in the Australian jungle. Finally! A chance to shake off the mullet-y punchlines and become known for something slightly less hairy!

When he first sauntered into the jungle with his '80s counterpart, Sinitta, he seemed like this series' bland, middle-aged man, the kind who almost instantly melts into the background apart from the occasional row over the cooking pot (think Jimmy Osmond and Brian Paddick). However, he has distinctly upped his game in the last few days, and for this I salute him.

For one thing, Pat is not afraid to speak his mind. Yes, Sinitta is awful at the trials - but rather than tip-toeing around her and congratulating her for bringing back a measly four stars, the Sharpster rolls his eyes. Yes, Lorraine has a teddy bear (the questionably-named 'Tedward') - but rather than pretending this is normal behaviour, Pat speaks of kidnapping the bear and burning it. Admittedly, this was rather an odd outburst and Lorraine got suitably upset; but, in the greater scheme of things, it was all part of Pat's plan.

Ah yes, Pat's plan. When told by Ant and Dec on Tuesday morning that he had to complete a trial, he practically punched the air in triumph, bellowing about how his 'scam' had worked. Scam? You mean... Pat Sharp - he of the mullet and the made-for-radio guffaw - had conned the Great British public?

With the kind of cool panache usually demonstrated only by James Bond villains, Pat had icily manipulated his way into the British psyche to such an extent that no longer was he just the dope lying on the hammock - he was now a fully-fledged member of camp.

His plan also worked to such an extent that he was voted to do the next day's trial too.

Pat's first trial saw him score 11 out of a possible 12 stars (he said the 12th star would account for Tedward's meal, chortle). He had to put his head into a series of boxes, and retrieve the stars with his mouth, dodging the amorous advances of meal worms, baby crocodiles, maggots, giant moths and so on as he did so. Joke's on you, viewers!

In short, Pat Sharp is little short of a criminal genius, and I hope he wins. Or, at the very least, gets voted to do a third trial. Make a man's dreams come true, people.