The gang descended upon 'the country' in this week's episode, and, in doing so, the nation discovered a long-lost descendent of Mrs Rochester, the deranged wife kept in the attic in Jane Eyre. Her name is Gemma, and she is utterly stark-raving bonkers. Rather than being kept locked in an attic, she is stowed away in Jamie's country pile, where she wanders around in dungarees and bikinis, cackling to herself and telling anyone within earshot that the pool is 'friggin' warm, dude'.
Such was the extent of her sheer derangement and eye-rolling extroversion that she elicited horrified raised eyebrows and nervous guffawing from Spencer and Hugo. Even Jamie - who sprayed the guests with champagne on their arrival and couldn't help but whoop 'you girls are looking FINE!' everytime one tottered near him - appeared a little terrified, admitting that he was scared to wake Gemma up as he didn't know what he'd find in her bedroom.
The romance in the countryside continued with the boys jostling over Rosie and Caggie. Spencer rated Jamie's chances with Rosie as 'a light 4,' whilst Hugo gave him 'a peppered 3'. What on earth is a 'peppered 3'? Answers on a postcard...
Hugo and Spencer then had 'lads' time' to discuss how Hugs was dealing with the continued aftermath of Millie dumping him. 'How are you, like, handlin' shit, bro?' asked Spence. A simple 'how are you?' would have sufficed, but nay; Hugo admitted that Millie had deleted him from BBM and blocked his Tweets, so he had no way of communicating with her. Yes. Literally no way of communicating with her - I suppose you could always go to her house...?
Hugo then told Spencer that everyone wants him to get with Caggie: 'anyone who knows you and Caggie wants you to be together,' he told his bro (puke), adding: 'I hang around with her for, like, five minutes and think she's the coolest girl in the world'.
Louise then 'corridor creeped' (or is it 'corridor crept'? I couldn't find an answer in Debretts) Caggie in the middle of the night, and told her, in short, that she should sleep with Spencer so that he could get over her. Caggie looked strangely flattered by the suggestion - perhaps if Funda had suggested it in the last series, this whole sorry love triangle situation would have ended long ago.
The episode also saw a lot of carefully-staged phone-calls take place against the backdrop of wrought-iron railings - first Francis leant casually against the rails as he called Frederik for advice, and then Chloe called Ollie, once again posing in front of the railings as she did so. Francis' date with Chloe's friend, Natalia, was quite a success - he gave her a skateboarding lesson (whilst telling her about his edginess - 'I have a lot of edges') and then surprised her with a fairy-lit picnic in the park. Aww - I flippin' love Francis.
Meanwhile, Cheska Hull - the Girl About Town who seemingly does very little other than drink wine with Ollie and Binky and sound increasingly nasal - had also managed to land herself a date in the form of Kendal, who she met at Gabriella's video shoot.
'Is this Joseph's technicolor dream coat, or shiny shiny disco ball?' asked Cheska, holding out the two sartorial options for the Big Date. Looking thoughtfully at the former she then mused that it was 'psycho - pyschadelic, I mean, not psycho.' Sure.
Cheska had planned to take her beau to meet her two BFFs, Ollie and Binky, for drinks. Lanky-locked, five-foot nothing Kendal - who has done 'a bit' of modelling in his time - came as something of a shock to Ollie, largely, I suspect, because he couldn't quite comprehend how Gabriella could be as malicious as cast him as an Ollie look-a-like.
Two worlds collided as Ollie headed off to Mark-Francis' home/apartment/palace to talk business. M-F's housekeeper was, inexplicably, in Cannes (can't get the service these days...) and so a dishevelled-looking M-F was forced to serve the guests the customary champagne himself, explaining that in Gianna's absence, the washing machine had broken down and the tumble-dryer was attempting to run away, etc.
Ollie tittered politely before declaring that 'the look of 2011 is big necklaces' and offering his services as a male model for their budding jewellery line. Amber and M-F looked politely strained, suggesting Ollie try a test-shoot before they made any firm decisions.
This was followed by Ollie in front of the camera, pulling every expression under the sun - 'do angry yet approachable!' barked M-F as Amber winced in the background.
The shots were eventually deemed 'too Tarzan' and so it was back to the modelling scrap heap for Ollie, who managed to pull a very convincing upset face as he realised that he would no longer be the 'long-haired lothario, covered in jewels, lying naked on the beach' that M-F had initially visualised. Perhaps he could start appearing as Tarzan-lookalikes in music videos...
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