Taking the bins out or feeding the cats is just a mundane duty to most of us, but we all know some people who do these everyday chores and receive wide recognition and rapturous applause. These people are Facebook Famous. They're the winners of the most competitive popularity contest on earth and every aspect of their life is so damn fantastic that it needs to be shared with their legions of adoring friends. But how the hell do these cocky little upstarts do it and how can you achieve similar glorification from your online acquaintances? Well, read on and you will find out how you too can become Facebook Famous...
Like for a Return
For this, you need a provocative profile picture. You will have to hold the camera above you and pout. Make sure you pout. You MUST pout. Maybe expose a bit of flesh too. Girls, show cleavage or a bit of leg. Maybe get your mum to take a photo of you reaching for the tinned mackerel from the top shelf of the kitchen cupboard because your bum looks great when you stretch. Boys, flex those guns and think... What would that bloke off Geordie Shore do? ... and do just that. If you've ever had your picture taken with anyone from a reality show, use that as your profile picture. You want people to know that you 'hang' with these admirable pillars of society. Photoshop the shit out of your acne and tag everyone you know in the picture so you pop up on their wall when they log on. If someone likes yours then you must like theirs. That's what 'like for a return' means.
Give to Receive.
To get likes and comments on your photographs, you must be really fake... I mean nice to everyone. Girls, say something like this "OMG Hun! You look gorge in this pic <3 xoxo" Boys, you just have to be generally laddish. Comment on how "hench" your mates look or just comment "LAD!" every time a friend says he got laid or pissed or threw up on his girlfriend's tits. The compliments will soon be returned but remember, you must give to receive to achieve Facebook fame.
You ARE popular so you need people to know this by becoming friends with absolutely everyone. Yes, that's right, people you have never seen before, people you see occasionally but never speak to and people you simply do not like. Just go mad and ADD, ADD, ADD! The old school caretaker who lost his job under mysterious circumstances, add him! That woman down your street who started the craze for vertical blinds, add her! The butcher's son with the prescription shoe and the smelly pencil behind his ear, YES! ADD HIM! Add everyone, You're THAT popular FFS!
Pack Your Statuses With Utter Bullshit.
You can start by using inspiring quotes something along the lines of "If you don't believe in yourself, who will?" Someone is bound to like it. Over time you can start making stuff up that you think might attract attention. Eventually, once you have thousands of friends you will start getting likes for everything and anything. If you suggest nudity or intimacy you may get more. Here's an example...
Casually having a warm shower and just rubbed suds all over my body when I see a big spider. I ran out of the bathroom naked and screaming. #ShitMyself
FML WTF happened last night. Woke up naked next to a fit bird. Can't remember her name PMSL #LAD
If these were true you would probably back them up with a picture. So, girls post a picture of yourself wrapped in a towel looking scared and boys post a close up of your face looking perplexed (that means bewildered). That would definitely get you more likes.
Ask Questions That Will Make You Look Sexy and Alluring / Like a Rock Hard Casanova.
Craving candy floss right now. Anyone know where I can buy any from?
Trippin' on fat burners. Real horny. Wot time does gym shut?
The possibilities are endless here. You can ask absolutely anything and the more stupid you appear, the bigger response you will get. It's cool to be dumb though isn't it?
Make Banal Personal Chit-Chat Public Information.
Everyone needs to see that you are living your life to the max...
Please can we have a McDonalds for tea tonight mum? with *tagged mum's name* at *a pretentious yet 'fun' sounding name for this person's house*
Lend us a tenner mate with *tagged dad's name* at *salacious and sexist name for this person's house*
Share Every Private Conversation You Have Had in Real Life That Has Raised So Much as a Cackle.
Dave: Have you seen Bomber's hair?
Me: Yes, he looks like a pubic mound
Dave: What's that?
Me: OMG WTF FFS PMSL LOL!
Check in Everywhere.
Wherever you are CHECK the hell IN! If you're sat in your bedroom just check in at a club and pretend you're there. If you're actually somewhere that you think is quite exciting check in and post a picture.
Check in: Harvey Nichols
Update: Just chillin' in Harvey Nic's
Photo: Er... you are clearly sat on a stool in the shoe department and you've still got your coat on. That won't do. Scrap the photo.
Check In: Spearmint Rhino
Update: Up to my eyeballs in *derogatory term for female genitalia* #LAD
Photo: Just use that picture of you looking perplexed again or Instagram of a close up of a half full bottle of beer.
Make Up an Amusing Situation and Take a Photograph of Yourself.
Status: That awkward moment when someone fills your hairdryer with flour.
Picture: Girl pouting and covered in flour.
Status: That awkward moment when someone replaces your hairdryer with a paint-stripper.
Picture: Boy tensing with no hair and first degree burns.
The more extreme and the more shocking your picture is, the more shares it will get and the more popular you will become. Remember EVERY incident is an opportunity for Facebook fame. Even if you're breathing your last breath, check in to the hospital and update your status with something like...
I've never been so ill in my...
Oh dear, I'm afraid that one didn't make it.
Make a Video.
Do something distasteful or dangerous or pretend you've lost a bet on film and give it a snazzy title that will attract attention like...
Dave drinking a glass of piss
Karen snogging a tramp
You won't believe what this girl did to herself with an oven fresh baguette in front of her whole class.
The title "I got bored" won't fool anyone, so scrap that and in no time you will be competing with the tampon girl and the countless kids who've set fire to their hair or cut through their hands playing the knife game. What's a missing finger when you have Facebook fame?
Set Up a Group or Fan Page.
If someone in the public eye has died, this is a great opportunity for you to pretend that you care and set up a remembrance page but you need to get in there first to get the most likes. If someone in the neighbourhood has died, this is a terrible tragedy for the family but a wonderful opportunity for you. Quickly, set up a RIP group and sit back and watch those likes add up. All of those likes on behalf of a dead person and you, yes YOU are responsible. Wow! That must feel great. Alternatively, set up a 'fan page' for yourself, you'll soon find out how popular you really are.
So, now you've done it. You've clocked up likes in their hundreds of thousands and you've finally reached a vertiginous level of celebrity not dissimilar to that woman off Big Brother who looked like Zippy from Rainbow and whose name I can't recall, but well done anyway!
Prior to having your every move celebrated, you probably had the potential to be a really great person but now you've left an embarrassing dribble behind that could leave a stubborn stain on that once bright future of yours. Real fame is fleeting, just ask that couple that won a spin dryer and a lifetime supply of creosote on Bullseye in 1986. Facebook fame is much more cursory and is just a means for feeding egos after midnight and creating deluded demons. What happened to the MySpace famous? Does anyone spare a thought for those lost souls?
If you need someone to tell you that they like you, look in the mirror and tell yourself. You are a wonderful person, believe that without the aid of others and their disingenuous button pressing fingers. Forget about whether or not people like you and learn to like yourself, that way you will discover a permanent state of happiness as opposed to sporadic spurts of meaningless and diluted joy.
Follow Leigh Clark on Twitter: www.twitter.com/culturine