THE BLOG

Words, Terms and Phrases We Need to Lose From Our Vocabulary NOW!

18/06/2014 16:12 BST | Updated 16/08/2014 10:59 BST

 "If thought can corrupt language, language can also corrupt thought".

 George Orwell, 1984.

 

The choice of words in which you use to communicate can have a negative impact on how you are perceived by others. For example, every time the young chap in the local coffee shop asks me how many "expresso" shots I want in my Americano, I don't hear his voice, I hear fingernails being dragged down a blackboard. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he sells thousands of these shots a day and he doesn't know how to pronounce the damn word. When I hear that an expectant 35 year old grandmother is perplexed because her son swears he always uses a "comdom", my tolerance level practically flatlines. If he can't say it, he's probably still sticking it on a banana, as demonstrated by the school nurse. However, the crime is not always mispronunciation. 

 

Occasionally, words and phrases propel themselves into the public psyche and suddenly, without thought, everyone starts using them. Remember years ago when  women over 40 were using the word "sorted" instead of "great" and in recent years every man and his dog started to use the word "random" incorrectly? Well, in the words of the giant from Twin Peaks "It's happening again". Here is a small collection of the most overused and irritable words, terms and phrases that we need to stop using now, for the sake of our children, for the sake of our future, well, mainly for the sake of my blood pressure. 

 

Eeeeeeeeeeeek!

 

A sound usually reserved for a rodent in peril but has now evolved to human use. This shrill sound normally accompanies the wait for the results of an exam, or perhaps following a holiday countdown or the announcement that a wallpaper pattern has been decided on for a feature wall. 

 

Banter

 

A word used to describe chit-chat amongst young folk or used by young men whilst describing a young woman who is easy to talk to, "She's got good banter." A young woman who's "got good banter" can be found consuming her own body weight in blue WKD every weekend. She's likely to wake up every Sunday wondering where the hell she is and who the fuck is that? Banter usually consists of conversations on drink consumption or endless sexual innuendo. Banter is the language of the morally redundant. 

 

Spooning

 

Commensurate with the previous scenario, the blue WKD girl is likely to have been  convinced to return to Banter Lad's house on the basis that they mutually enjoy "spooning". This term has been propelled into popularity thanks to the vacuous drivel broadcasted on MTV, BBC3 and ITV2. Spooning is where a couple lay in bed with ones posterior pressed to the gonads of the other. "Spooning" or the invitation of, is a bashful way of outright asking someone for sex. Caligula, ancient fan of the old "futuero" is thought to have used a similar approach on his mates' wives. 

 

Rant Over

 

Often found on social media, following a lengthy vociferation about the standards of customer service. The fact that you're unable to smoke on hospital grounds or that the wallpaper chosen for the feature wall has now been applied but has bubbles in it!! Rant over. Any preface to the term, is self indulgent claptrap. Normally used by individuals who were born with a disillusioned sense of entitlement. 

 

Full Time Mummy/Daddy

 

Whether you work or not, being a parent is not something you do as a job, if you have a child it's your duty to be a parent ALL OF THE TIME. It's really NOT something that needs to be said unless you've been unemployed forever and you are attempting to justify watching copious amounts of daytime television and stuffing your face with pasties and chicken nuggets. 

 

Proud Mummy/Daddy

 

If this is the only way you are able to describe yourself then start knitting. 

 

To Be Fair

 

Completely superfluous addition to any sentence. Next time you use this pointless phrase just have a think about who or what you are being fair too. Think of all of the oxygen and trees you will save if you stop saying it. 

 

Sick

 

Sick used to be the word used to describe the actions of Ian Brady and Myra Hindley but lingual evolution now sees folk using it to describe Tinie Tempah's new glasses. 

 

Frape

 

A horrible play on the word RAPE. A ghastly, repugnant word associated with a horrific act of violence that has now been demeaned with the addition of an F. Use of the word would normally occur after Banter Lad forgets to log out from his Facebook account after using his hilarious mate's computer. The following scenario is likely to occur...

 

Status Update: I luv cock

 

Banter Boy: Fraped lol. 

 

I think you'll agree that the above misdemeanour hardly compares to an act of extreme sexual brutality. Unfortunately, the word itself has seemingly been accepted as a term in its own right. I've seen it used by local counsellors, parents and children. Shame on every single one of you!

 

Cheeky 

 

A word formerly used to describe a small child who has told their grandma that their face looks like a deflated balloon. Not now however. We now use this to describe having an alcoholic drink during our lunch hour or snorting a line of coke before driving the kids home from school. 

 

Smashed it / Killed it

 

Formerly used to describe a broken window or a cat you just hit with your car. Now it's used to describe the remarkable ability of someone doing their best to impersonate Adele on a TV talent show or someone who has recently passed their STD test with flying colours. 

 

Million percent

 

Or even worse, I've heard people say "a hundred and a million percent" which is as good as saying "I was in special maths at school". Incidentally, I was in special maths at school but even I know that this measurement is wholly imaginary. 

 

Swagger

The only word it rhymes with 'Jagger' as established in abundance by pop boffins Including Cher Lloyd, Maroon 5 and everyone's favourite spunk bucket Kesha. Often used to describe someone's "stylish" appearance. Normally means their style is a bit "off the wall", they're defined by their arrogance and they look like a total prick. 

 

Gay

 

Should be used only to define a sexual preference but this word is employed regularly in the wrong context by young children to express their dislike for something. Misuse of the word "gay" particularly in a negative context, normalises homophobia and is totally inexcusable. However, in the instance that a child says "I'm not wearing that. It's gay!" and he's describing a pink rhinestone and monkey fur coat that once belonged to the late Liberace, that's absolutely fine. 

 

Boom! 

 

Every time I hear this word I like to imagine the person who used it exploding into tiny pieces, erupting in flames or simply imploding and omitting a cacophonous trump.

 

"Afternoon off work... Boom!" 

"Won a tenner on the horses... Boom!"

"Crabs have cleared up... Boom!" 

 

The only acceptable instance for this word to be applied would be if Banter Boy, Blue Wkd Girl, Full-time/Proud, mummy/daddy ran blindfolded towards the cliff edge... Boom! Hooray!

 

So, before we continue to thrust forth towards a dystopian nightmare where ill-educated and disproportionate men in vests  take over the streets at night, spouting inconsequential words like "reem", inebriated women proudly take over the gutters with their "banter" and Britain First becomes considered a reliable news source, remember the words of Orwell. You are probably a decent, well educated individual. Don't let a mindless choice of words make others (or inordinately judgemental people like me) think you're as thick as a brick.