Once upon a time in a far off land, nobody gave a flying badger what your foo looked like on the beach. But when the body police at Playboy magazine decided sex appeal was largely based on possession of triple Z breasts and fluorescent orange skin, looks management became more important.
So what are the most popular weird beauty trends of the selfie age?
1.) Enormous eyelash extensions
When done properly, eyelash extensions make a girl feel like an extra from the latest Disney princess movie. Offering you the opportunity to boast a pair of peepers as pretty as Cheryl Cole's*, we've all succumbed to these sticky polyester creations at the point. The biggest issue with fake lashes (aside from the risk you'll accidentally glue your eyelids together), is that they don't tend to stay secure after a few white wines and some flirtatious flutterings. If you're going to wear them, do so with caution. Nothing says 'mentally unhinged' like a pair of dead spiders plastered on your cheeks at the end of a night out.
*As long as it's dark and the people looking at you are squinting a bit
2.) Naked fadge
It started with a gentle trim to stop additional foliage escaping the confines of our overpriced bikini bottoms. But before long those clean cut edges weren't enough- we were waging a full scale war against faff fuzz. Not content unless our nether regions resemble recently plucked poultry, the beauty industry has created a myriad of ways to dispose of this natural protection. If you're brave enough to commit to your feminist principles and bare all, I salute you. If not remember the following two rules. 1.) Unless you want a fanny that looks like it's recently returned from war, go for a wax and steer clear of razors. 2.) Don't use an epilator down there. It'd be like feeding your foofy to a Venus flytrap. With bigger teeth.
Not content with accessorising our hands, arms, ankles and bellybuttons, the TOWIE girls have introduced us to the bizarre world of 'vajazzle'. For those who've been living in a cave for the past four years, this is where you glue diamante crap to your bits in the hope of impressing a man. Personally, I'd be wary of any guy who likes a bejewelled bajingo, but if shoving sparkles up your minky brings you joy, who am I to argue? More disturbing than glittery vajayjays, exclusive American salons are offering women the chance to 'jazz up' their bald lady gardens with a strip of brightly coloured animal fur. (Because nothing says sexy like a pair of £100 pink ostrich feathers dangling from your crotch.) Unless you're planning to enter your vadge in a gynaecological fashion show, I'd swap the leopard print genitalia for a good old-fashioned wash.
4.) Bizarre facials
There are few things more magical than having a stranger gently caress your face inside a posh smelling little room with rose petals floating around. (A trained professional stranger obviously - not just a man you met in the cash machine queue outside Tesco.) But these days facials aren't just a lovely scented adventure of relaxation and joy. They're a needle filled minefield of anti-ageing potions and softly spoken marketing gurus promising to cure your fine lines in exchange for several hundred pounds. The most alarming of these new treatments is 'the vampire facial', where your own blood is injected into your face to boost collagen. If you need further proof this will leave you resembling a road traffic accident victim with a vastly reduced bank balance, just search the internet for those pictures of Kim Kardashian after she had it done.
5.) Anal bleaching
Whilst close up photographs of your bottom hole are never likely to make the post wedding mantelpiece display, there's still a growing trend towards 'prettifying' the anus. Though it's hard to understand why one shade of wrinkly arse skin may be more sexually enticing than another, the obsession for 'dying' this most intimate of orifices has actually become a popular beauty regime. (Google it if you don't believe me.) Assuming you were unlucky enough to be dating the type of pond dwelling scuzz bucket shallow enough to have such a preference, I'd consider shopping for a new partner before wasting cash on a body part usually reserved for the watchful gaze of a colonoscopy doctor. If you're genuinely adamant that your beauty, self-worth and quality of life will be considerably improved by a gloriously pale pink arse hole, I suggest you at least avoid curry for several days after treatment.
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