2. English people - in spite of years of irrefutable evidence to the contrary - believe that England is capable of winning football championships. (I am as baffled by this as you, foreigners.)
3. Be warned that English people, who normally find it weird and embarrassing to touch each other, will hurl their entire body at you if England score a goal. The embrace will be intense and it will go on for a long time, often accompanied by haphazard jumping and painful slaps. Please note that this uncharacteristic physical contact is not limited to hugs: the English will also bestow kisses, hair ruffling and unpleasant farts on you without a moment's hesitation.
4. On a similar note, the English, noteworthy for their extreme reluctance to betray their feelings, are dangerously volatile during a football championship and require a lot of emotional support. Take a look at the average Englishman's wedding photo. He looks reasonably jolly and - because it is a special occasion - he has done something he wouldn't normally do which is to look at his wife in a way that suggests he has minor feelings of regard toward her. Look, now, at a picture of the same man taken a few seconds after England has scored a goal. Tears of unbridled joy pour down his cheeks; his mouth is open as wide as it can be in an expression of pure ecstasy and his eyes say: I have never been, nor will ever be, this happy in my whole life. The world is so beautiful that I actually just wet myself and that's fine because I am in a transcendental state of joy.
5. English people, especially men, have a very unfortunate penchant for removing their tops during football championships. As you have probably noticed, this is a shame.
6. Referring back to characteristic #1, The English only know one song during a football championship. If we are to be pedantic, we would say that the English know only one line of one song during a football championship. Were you to suggest a rousing chorus of 'Land of Hope and Glory' during a match, the English person would stare at you uncertainly and then, after a confused pause, start singing "it's caamin ome, it's caamin ome, it's caamin..."
7. During a football championship the English don't go to work very often.
8. The English cultivate a mood of outraged victimhood during a football championship. They are very fond of declaring the referee to be a c*nt when he points out that English players have fouled. They also make known that every member of the opposing team is a c*nt, and all of their supporters too. It's definitely their fault. And the morning after another inevitable defeat, angry headlines will declare that the England coach is a c*nt. The hand of God goal will be cited. The English are very clear that it is NOT THEIR FAULT.
9. The English like to defend their unbridled insanity during a championship by saying that football is very important and it's basically all about international relations and foreign policy, yeah? When pushed to clarify exactly what football means for international relations - say between Israel and Palestine - they are less clear. Should you push them further on this point you will probably be met with a mutinous glare and a loud chorus of 'it's caamin ome, it's caamin ome.."
10. The English are - to a man - completely unable to deal with penalty shoot-outs. If you walk into an English pub and you find grown men pacing up and down, clutching their heads - or perhaps balled up in a foetal position, whimpering and crying, it is likely that a penalty shoot out is taking place. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that England cannot win a penalty shoot out and, while most England fans have convinced themselves that England is capable of winning a championship (see point 2), not even the most die-hard among them can extend this lunacy to penalties. They know they're going down. "I cannot explain to you the depths of the horror and the awfulness we experience during penalties," an Englishman said to me today. "It is worse than death."
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UEFA Euro 2012 - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Personally I have not a single memory of having ever searched out, pursued, seen or tried to memorise any of this stuff and I believe it surfaces from some deep, primal corner of our brains in response to the combined and dynamic stimuli of acute adrenalin rushes and lager. Outside of major matches this information is never - and in fact can't be - accessed.
Everything else is very true though, and will make me think twice about throwing my body across the terrace at someone when we score!
Of course Great Britian is a nation of drunks, so it's no surprise.
don't disagree with the 'nation of drunks' scenario tho.
#12. Have a little riot to make their win that much better.
#13. Make fun of the Scottish whether they are involved or not.
i know innit bruv, ye get me like, that's coz me is fae sarf lundun
is that thames estuary?
"Real" football (fi'baw) is Rugby. Soccer is a child's game that was an outgrowth of real football, and it was coined (by the Brits) "association football," which was shortened to "soccer."
American football, for the first 50 years or so, was almost undistinguishable from Rugby. The ball was the same shape, the "line of scrimmage" was just a formalized version of the "scrum," and there was only lateral passing, and the kicking game was almost identical. Then, Amos Alonzo Stagg introduced the forward pass, with the attendant rule modifications. What resulted is a highly team-oriented (unlike kickyball), technical sport that requires a set of huevos to play.
In soccer, the play is so weighted for the defense that it's very difficult to score a goal based on regular offensive play. The game is based on extreme individual athletic ability and little teamwork. As a result, little happens until somebody fakes an injury. Then the crowd perks up because a goal might be scored. I have seen data that says 50+% of goals are scored in "set pieces," either a corner kick or a penalty or free kick. At the pinnacle of the sport, the World Cup, about a third of wins come from free kick shootouts.
'Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude.
I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.'