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Who Can Save Amazon? Dennis Goddam Rodman, That's Who

29/05/2013 23:46 BST | Updated 23/07/2013 10:12 BST

If you're a collector of seminal cassingles from 1982, you're probably familiar with the opening lyrics to Goanna's Solid Rock - 'out here nothing changes'.

(This is where the segue goes).

Everything has changed.

Charismatic cats have taken over from naked women as the most popular photos online.

Vowels have become almost completely irrelevant (A E I O fuck U sms).

And something something something about a pop singer that implies most people want to kick his face off his face because he is fingers-down-blackboard annoying. And Canadian.

TV is changing too. Not just how we watch it but also the way in which it's delivered.

Amazon recently launched their first slate of original programming for the anonymous masses to dissect. Amongst their foray is a jaunt about a political frat house starring the dad from Roseanne (with a cameo from Bill-fuckin-Murray) and a news show about vegetables with the dad from Arrested Development.

(Speaking of dads - anyone else noticed that both of Superman's dads in the upcoming film used to be Robin Hood? I guess you don't need to learn how to use a bow and arrow when you can roast the perfect leg of lamb with a surreptitious wink.)

Annnnnyway.

Unfortunately, another of their original shows is already dead - Zombieland (which isn't at all ironic, more on that later). Essentially The Walking Dead but with an impressive quantity of vagina jokes, it suffered primarily (PRIMARILY) from a severe (SERVERE) lack of Bill-fuckin-Murray.

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It's unfortunate, because it could have been a great show if not for the angry 'fans' who tweeted, blogged and hated it out of commission. Most of them live in Canada. Probably.

But there is a silver lining. Amazon now has the opportunity to embrace one of the most unbelievable true stories unfolding before our eyes. And it's got everything.

It's got intrigue,suspense and espionage.

It's got political conspiracies, professional sports conspiracies and religious conspiracies.

It's got love, war and cross-dressing .

It's the world's latest odd couple - Dennis Goddam Rodman and Kim Jong Un.

And it could be the sequel we never knew we always secretly wanted.

(Dance break)

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The story so far.....

The Milo and Otis for the lol cat generation, Rodman is the unlikely ambassador who could bring peace to warring nations. Kim Jong is the misunderstood leader who just wants to inspire his people with the perfect slam dunk. It's a friendship the world isn't ready for. Yet we cannot look away.

But what started so innocently is under threat. The FBI (those guys who have coffee mugs with the silhouettes of naked ladies) are trying to turn the man affectionately known as 'The Worm' into a 'mole'. Now, far be it from me to suggest Dennis Goddam Rodman isn't well-versed in the principles of Darwinism but even he knows that isn't kosher. So, fresh off the back of that seemingly innocuous Hebrew-based pun, he flew to the Vatican just as the new Pope was being selected.

Arriving under the guise of a gambling promotion (allowing for him to channel his inner Wesley Snipes - 'Always bet on black' and 'Holy shit, I owe how much?') he took refuge with former Pontiff (and haiku enthusiast) Joseph Ratzinger. What transpired during this time is still a mystery. But we do know that while sequestered, Rodman helped J-Ratz come up with a title for his holy book of derogatory limericks. Look out for 'Pardon my Rat-Zinger' on bookshelves soon (or Amazon).

At it's heart, this story is the archetypal hero's journey with a burning question at its core - 'Can a man, with hair that changes colour as quickly as a chameleon running across a log bridge made of multi-coloured dildos, and a young world leader, whose doppelganger dances as if he were high in the saddle upon an invisible unicorn, truly be friends?

Sound familiar? It should. It's pretty much the plot to the Old Testament. With less sand.

But what happens next?

Jesus got to finish his book (A: he had shitloads of people writing bits for him and 2: fiction is easier) but this story is just getting started. We know that Rodman and Kim Jong are scheduled to holiday together in August. Spoiler alert.

For the sake of exciting narrative and the opportunity for slow motion photography with excessive lens flare, I can only hope for the following:

- They go to an island with giant lizards, a volcano and accidentally awaken an angry, re-animated Steve Irwin (in a nod to Zombieland)

- Hot on their tail is a disgraced FBI agent with a panama hat, ginger-speckled facial hair and whiskey on his breath

- He also has bear hands*

*I don't mean he has the hairy hands of a bear, I mean that each hand is an ACTUAL tiny bear. That way when he says 'I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands', the screen will drip with so much irony that someone will need to buy Alanis Morissette a Sham-wow for Christmas.

(Before some smart arse makes comment that the song 'Ironic' has no true examples of irony, posture this - is a song about irony that contains no ironic statements not ironic in itself? And, therefore, is it not ironic that a person who makes such a claim has no realisation of said irony?)

{It's reasoning like this that could rip the space-time continuum a new arse-hole. And it doesn't even have an arse-hole to begin with from which it could categorise the one it just got ripped as 'new', even though it's supposed to encompass all things at all times. Now THAT'S irony. I think, I don't know. Ask Canada. They're never wrong.}

So, in summation once more, maybe Goanna are right and things don't change. And perhaps in the case of the unique, subversive awesomeness of Dennis Goddam Rodman that's not such a bad thing.

I do know this - if things start to go south, all it really needs to succeed is a healthy dose of Bill-fuckin-Murray. No caption needed. Ever.

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NOT COMING SOON!

Double Team 2: There and back and forth and over again. Twice.

Running time: 12m

Available exclusively on VHS