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The A-Z of Tinder, Part Two

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Tinder, or what I affectionately refer to as 'the narcissism machine', seems to be taking over my life one hilarious profile at a time. Then again, Tinder has just added to the collection of online dating tools that are taking over the way people of my generation are choosing to have relationships. I half expect to have children who ask me not how I met their father, but on what site. Scary huh.

Tinder is so 'hot right now' (unlike that phrase, unless you're Paris Hilton- the shame). Everyone is doing it and no one seems to be slowing down. The web is littered with people's opinions on the app, from where's best to do it (the airport apparently because you get 'hoes from different area codes') to how to get the best out of it (general consensus is 'perseverance'); I can only hope this is just as useful.

Welcome (back) to The A-Z of Tinder: Part Two. Why part two? Because apparently the first instalment (see here) wasn't enough. I got a lot of messages from people telling me I had missed out some key points; the text message I received that read, 'you need to talk about Tigers and Kafka for me' made me click the red flame once again, and get back on the Tinder saddle. So, to continue...

Accessories- The 90s called. Please can it have its wood-beaded surf necklace complete with a shark tooth, back please?

Business- I want to be wined and dined and treated like a PRINCESS not earn more Twitter followers or lose 45kg in three days. Go hack a facebook account or something.

Cheats- I am not saying that your boyfriend is on Tinder, but your boyfriend is on Tinder.

DTF- OMG, LOL JK TTYL. Acronyms can die, along with smilies.

Ellipsis- He seems... to believe some well placed ellipses... indicates he's mysterious... seductive... or... just... an idiot.

Friend zone- You might have 200 friends in common but if you spent the whole of Uni drunk together and you still didn't get it on, sobriety and a dating app won't be able to help that happen.

Group shots- There are 12 guys in your profile picture? Do you think this is a really sexy version of Guess Who? Honestly, you might as well just take a picture of an entire country.

Holi- Am I the only person in London who didn't go to this?

Idiots- you thought you had swiped all the idiots away didn't you? News just in: attractive people can be even bigger idiots than the ugly ones!

Jocks- Not just American. The English version is generally the guy in the gym who 'accidentally' took a picture of himself, in the mirror, holding a weight the size of my mother.

Kafka- Every man in East London claims to read Kafka, Kerouac and Murakami. Someone please help them.

Let's f**k- There is no smooth way to start a conversation with a total stranger with whom the only thing you have in common is the belief that you both are not ugly but please try harder than that.

Miles- Tinder is like a man, it doesn't listen. I want men within 0-five miles of me but yesterday I matched with someone 1413 miles away. Where's that? Poland?

No matches- Congratulations you can now be rejected in four different ways, by your iphone.

Oldies- are you really 131? I put my age preference at 25-40 and Tinder has sent me Benjamin Button. Just great.

Predictable, be less- Apparently 90% of men like to "work hard, play hard," have many leather-bound books and know approximately one phrase in Latin. Crocs shouldn't be the one stand-out feature you have.

Que?- I am not looking for a holiday romance with the cabana-boy. If you don't speak English you're making this very hard on yourself.

Romance- if you are looking for it, look elsewhere. Tinder is never going to be the "We met during World War II, wrote long letters to each other for three years while he was stationed in Brussels" story you want to tell your grandkids.

Selfies- Note the gentle care with which he holds his iPhone to capture his brilliant mirror pic. Very good sign. Not.

Tigers- You went to Thailand? Wow, no-one has ever done that before.

Use the tagline- Just don't be this guy- "I'd like to volunteer to be your lover. You only YOLO once. If you go to bed with an itchy butt, you wake up with stinky fingers." Just don't be weird. At least try.

V sign- Apparently people still do the backwards peace sign post-2003.

Write something- A speech bubble is the universal sign for 'talking'- that's why there's one on the right hand side of the app. I currently have 12 matches who haven't said a word to me. Do none of you have fingers or something?

X- Watch out for repetitive strain injury from swiping left too often. The NHS won't help you with that.

Your dog- Putting a picture of your dog as a profile picture is a metaphor for telling me you are a dog. People, not pets please.

Zzzzzz- Nope, Tinder's still not boring is it? But what's next for the app I wonder? Maybe myspace will buy it and gain some cultural relevance...

I need to give special mention to this guy who deserves to be climbed like a tree for his sense of humour alone. Unless he's being serious in-which case I hope you all go out and buy a very long bargepole.

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