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Body of Christ Found in Value-Burger

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A ready-meals scandal envelops Europe, and then the Pope resigns...

Coincidence? Think again. Horses in burgers - you think that's outrageous? I can exclusively reveal that the Pope has resigned because the body of Christ has been found in a ready meal.

How do I know? On the evening of February 12, I was invited to a secret dinner at a secret location for a secret society, the Stercus Taurorum, who discuss secret information in the strictest secrecy about how the whole world is run secretly by a few secret people.

Our rendezvous was a secret vault dug secretly by the same Zionist leprechauns who secretly concealed secret gold beneath the Twin Towers. The same bullion which tempted George Bush to personally pilot all four aircraft on 9/11 in a futile attempt to quench temporarily his insatiable lust for gold, also giving him an excuse to launch an illegal military invasion. (Or something. Let's not get bogged down. You get my drift. Point is, when your secret society needs a secret vault digging, these leprechauns are the real Go-to Guys.)

Obviously, I am risking my life revealing these secrets to the world, and even as I type, I can see from my office window several albino monks staring menacingly at my house from the bus-stop across the road, trying to act all innocent. I must not be deterred. The Truth must out. I only hope someone hunky plays me in the movie.

I do not have much time.

As the twelve members and myself sat around an ancient wormwood table which had been transported secretly from Palestine to its secret location somewhere in a suitably atmospheric medieval quarter of a city I cannot name by a renegade group of Knights Templar just before the fall of Byzantium and right after the end of a particularly wild Stag Night, I could barely believe my ears and eyes. Candles flickered as Jim Morrison, Elvis Presley and Gram Parsons served a delicious meal parodying the Last Supper. Glenn Miller conducted a small band discreetly in the background. Then, rising to his feet, the head of the Order, writer Dan Brown, tapped gently on his wine glass with a silver spoon in a rhythm which I recognised immediately contained a Fibonacci Sequence.

"OK everybody, any questions?"

Yes, so what's with the Pope?

I'm glad you asked: It's a scandal that will rock the Church to its very foundations. The Body of Christ has been found in value burgers and ready meals!!

That's so ridiculous!

Yes, of course, that's what they want you to think.

But how?! And why!?

Here's how! - and why! - Secretly and unknown to the majority of the world's population, Christ returned to Earth some years ago. Mainly to complain about Mel Gibson and Christians with tambourines, but also to fulfil the prophecy of the Second Coming and the Final Judgement of All Mankind.

He made the mistake of announcing himself to the Catholic Church - who are making far too much money to allow the End of Time to happen any time soon. Christ was asking too many questions - "What's with all the wealth and the property?" "What's with all the sexual hang-ups?" - He was challenging the whole business model. Wouldn't let it go.

So they whacked him and put him into burgers?

Whaddya gonna do? Yes, they whacked him and put him into burgers. And of course, he comes back to life every three days, so it's a problem that never goes away. Zionist leprechauns were hired to build secret meat packing plants in the catacombs of the Eternal City where the Body of Christ could be mixed with ordinary minced meat components, like beef, horse, rat droppings, sawdust, food inspectors and roadkill to produce a cheap nutritious snack which could also be used to secretly administer Holy Communion to an increasingly agnostic world.

I see the phalanx of albino monks have reached the Pelican Crossing. They have pressed the button. They are eating burgers, with a knowing smile.

And the Pope knew?
Who knows? But he knows now, and he's running scared. Wouldn't you be? The Vatican got struck by lightning yesterday; what does that tell you, for Chrissakes? And when I say For Chrissakes, I mean, for Chrissakes - you hear what what I'm saying here?

The Pope's on the run? From the all-seeing, all-knowing Lord of Creation? Where can he hide?
- Who knows? Maybe he'll take refuge in a country that worships one of the several other all-powerful all-knowing mono-deities. I hear he has an apartment in Dubai...

I have a question, I said. Why have I been invited to this secret meeting of a secret society?

That's a secret, they said.
And I suppose Dan Brown already has the film rights to this?
That's no secret, they said.

I hear the bleep of the Pelican. All I can do now is type, and watch the albino monks cross the road and hope that someone runs a red light...