Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Pete Cashmore

GET UPDATES FROM Pete Cashmore
 

Why Did I Say 'Nope' to You on Tinder?

Posted: 22/11/2013 16:57

1. You were wearing a pair of amusing spectacles.

2. You were with lots of friends and I didn't want to risk you being the plain, slightly doughy one.

3. I did it by accident, I meant to like you but I forgot which way to swipe.

4. You can do better than me.

5. You were wearing the kind of skirt that suggested to me that you were a woman of low moral fibre.

6. You didn't have a picture of you, preferring instead a picture of one of the many exotic locations you have visited, as if I am going to have sex with you on account of the fact you have seen the Pyramids.

7. You had weird teeth.

8. You live 12 miles away! Like I'm going to travel to zone 6 to sleep with ANYONE!

9. You were playing a musical instrument.

10. I'd kind of got into a rhythm of just saying no to everybody and I didn't want to say it to you as it stands but I couldn't just haul myself out of the rhythm and I just did it.

11. Your name sounded Eastern European and I am a racist.

12. Your name sounded Welsh and I am a racist.

13. It made me feel like a big man.

14. You were drinking in the kind of Thamesside rooftop wankerbar that I will never be able to afford to enter, let along afford to drink in.

15. You had a personal profile statement and it was that "dance like nobody is watching" one. You know the one. Hate people who say that.

16. Your picture depicted you scuba diving and I have no desire to be the one who cradles your head as you bleed to death from a shark bite.

17. You were thin.

18. I've already been out with you and it didn't end well.

19. I am currently going out with you and it is not going well.

20. Your face was painted so that you look like a cat. Why do you all have your faces painted so you look like cats?

21. MUM?

22. You were in a "clever" pose where you were holding up the Leaning Tower Of Pisa or high-fiving the Angel Of The North or something.

23. You were not looking directly at the camera. And that's just rude.

24. You were doing that thing where you use your own hair to give yourself a pretend moustache. I don't like it when you do that.

25. We have many mutual friends, which means that they will tell you about the kind of person I am.

26. You had allowed your picture to be photobombed by a zany friendzone-occupying boy-man in an amusing T-shirt saying "I love lamp."

27. You were pretending to French kiss your friend and it confused me.

28. Your profile photo was you at your own wedding.

29. You were at a musical festival, in fancy dress, like something out of a fucking ghastly energy drink advert.

30. You had deliberately obscured your face with a random item, thus leading me to surmise that you may be a bit of a muntbag.

31. There was a man in your photograph and he was better looking than me and I bet you're still sleeping with him.

32. You were holding a cat.

33. Even worse, you were holding a small dog.

34. Even worse, you were holding a child.

35. In your photo, you had just completed a half marathon and looked really pleased with yourself.

36. In your photo, you were competing in a Tough Mudder-style endurance race, looking really pleased with yourself.

37. Your profile picture was in black and white.

38. Your profile picture was a drawn caricature of yourself.

39. I could honestly see myself falling uncomfortably in love with you and I don't want to get hurt again.

40. Your knockers weren't big enough.

 

Follow Pete Cashmore on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tweetcashmore

FOLLOW UK COMEDY