Did you see the opening ceremony for the Beijing Olympics in 2008? If you did, then you will be aware of the sheer scale of the mountain Danny Boyle and the rest of the London Olympic opening ceremony team have to scale. The Chinese had 2,008 drummers playing together in rhythm; we Brits can hardly manage a well-executed high-five.
If we are to stand a chance of not looking like China's sickly, uncoordinated school pal who always gets picked last at games then we need to be bold, controversial and above all, uniquely British.
Here are five ways that we can pull off a stonkingly good opening ceremony.
* Beatles Reunion
I'm not talking 'Paul and Ringo play a few hits'; I'm talking bringing the whole band back together using reanimation. We have a few months left until the opening ceremony; maybe filter some of the cash that would be spent on Union Jack bunting to aggressively pursue stem-cell research.
* Public Execution
So the Chinese thought having a giant globe that turned to a lantern was eye-opening, that ain't nothing compared to a bunch of ne'er do-wells visiting the gallows.
* Coronation Street vs EastEnders Battle Royale
The Beijing opening ceremony featured sections from the ancient Chinese opera Kunqu. Now we British have plenty of classic literature to mine a decent show from, but how about instead of Shakespeare and Dickens, we showcase their modern equivalents, soap operas? Let the stars of Corrie and EastEnders loose in a giant pit in the middle of the Olympic Stadium and let them battle it out for supremacy.
* Nelson's Column = World's Largest Stripper Pole
Sex sells, it's as simple as that. Given the phallic nature of our capitals skyline (Big Ben, ahem) then why not bring a bit of raunch to proceedings with showgirls, gigolos and general debauchery? We did give the world the Carry On films . . .
* The Royal Family On Ice
Given the almighty hoopla placed on the Royal Wedding last year, it is going to be no surprise that the Royals will presumably play a major part of the ceremony. Instead of having the usual placid-faced toffery of waving from a carriage or balcony, get them on the ice. Watch as Wills and Kate pirouette effortlessly around the rink and Prince Phillip constantly slips on his old arse. This idea would probably suit the Winter Olympics, but no-one really gives a damn about them.Suggest a correction