If you have hung around for long on online dating websites you soon get to see the same stock phrases and photos repeated over and over again. What does it all mean?
1. "If you want to know anything, just ask". What they are saying is, "I have nothing to say for myself. I have nothing to offer you conversationally. This is awkward. Who am I? What do I enjoy? What am I doing here? What do I want in a relationship? Argh! I can't cope without closed questions and time to think, if only there was a questionnaire I can fill in. Oh wait...."
2. "Looking for my partner in crime" - This person wants to come across as looking for a steady relationship but not too clingy and up for a laugh. Unfortunately, using this dating profile cliché one means they are more likely to be needy, unimaginative and unoriginal.
3. "I'm looking for someone who enjoys the finer things in life". If you don't have a job, house, and car don't bother. You must have disposable income and be prepared to spend it on high quality dates.
4. "I don't want any drama." No-one wants drama. That's a given. What it really means is: I've made some bad dating and relationship decisions. I may be the kind of person who is drawn to, and creates, drama.
5. The half naked lying in bed shot, often smouldering (or grimacing) into the camera. This person fully expects that you will be as enamoured of how they look as they are themselves. You can expect to see said bed early on, just don't forget to be adoring when you get to see the shot re-enacted in person!
6. The blurry photo taken from a distance of a group of friends, all of whom look shit faced. What they are saying with this image is that it doesn't matter that you can't pick out which person they are from the group. What is important is, they like to go out, get shit faced, have loads of friends that do the same thing, so you should really be up for that too.
7. The search for someone with a sense of humour. Who doesn't want someone with a sense of humour? However the profiles which state - humorlessly - that a sense of humour is required are usually the profiles devoid of anything remotely intentionally funny. These are probably the same people who specify 'banter' as a hobby. What they mean is, they expect YOU to find THEM funny. I predict a torturous attempts at humour on a date but ultimately a laugh free dating experience. Unless banter is also your hobby, then hooray!
8. The intellectual with the crazy side. You know the one, they have a long, serious, high brow profile aimed at intellectuals, thinkers, readers of books with long words in. But you always find in among the serious stuff a throwaway reference to their love of the Spice Girls or Made in Chelsea or something along those lines. They are telling you that they have a wild and crazy side and they aren't terribly serious and boring all the time, honest! Don't be fooled. They are.
9. The 'Date My Kid/Pet'. Their kids or pets are on every photo. These people are telling you that they come as a package. You won't only be dating the person, but their family too. You can often find "my kids are my world" somewhere in the profile. Are you ready for a new family/pet?
10. "No cheaters, liars or game players". They mean, "I have been royally fucked over in the past which has lead to major trust issues and I will never be fully relaxed in this relationship as I know you will hurt me just like all the rest."
11. "I'm laid back and low maintenance". They are probably not actually. Laid back low maintenance people are so laid back they don't need to put it out there. What they really mean is, "I like to appear laid back and chill but I am full of neuroses and self esteem issues that will gradually cause our relationship to erode, turning it from super fun times to really not fun times. Now pay me some attention!"
If you want to pay me some attention, not that I crave it as I am so laid back, and not at all needy, you can find this article and more my website Love Doctor UK. Call me!