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A Casualty of the Porn Industry but a Pioneer in the War Against a Potential Zombie Apocalpyse

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A few years ago a film that kick-started the 'made for geeks by geeks' genre was released. It was a tongue-in-cheek yet brilliantly made zombie film featuring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as two mates who end up having to save their loved ones from an unexpected army of the undead in Shaun of the Dead. Future more 'serious' zombie films followed, including a remake of George Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead, which was the original inspiration for the Spaced boys' fantastic spoof. Yet, I'd never seen proof of anyone being influenced by either modern-day or indeed older zombie-flicks where they had gone as far to prepare for an apocalypse by creating a... van.

Until now. Last night's brilliant yet depressing documentary Twilight of the Porn Stars, followed Louis Theroux around Los Angeles as he tackled the issue of free porn and mental health whilst also providing an eye-opener into a business that is struggling and yet can still attract new performers regularly, who dream of one day attaining 'porn stardom'. Having already visited the city 15 years before, the program involved meeting a mix of old and new faces, neither less delusional than each other. Whilst it was no Seymour Butts in The Family Business, we met some truly tragic characters and the dream of a zombie-proof van came true for us all.

Most new performers are aged around 23. Whilst the girls on the program interviewed all looked much older, they seemed pretty confident they shared a young age with their male counter-parts. As a hot-blooded heterosexual male, the idea of banging porn stars all day sounds like the best thing ever, and to be paid for it? Where do I sign? Yet the horrific reality of it was unraveled as the show went on, with Louis using the death of Jon Dough as a crux to ask the performers to apply some honesty to their answers. Nobody seemed keen to discuss his suicide and it didn't take long to see it was very clear that casualties in the business were something not discussed. Louis is on fine form as he ass one producer; "Do you know he killed himself?" "No, do you?" "No, do you?" "No... Do you?"

"What is he doing? He's walking round with his willy out." For all the wanks I've had, all illusions were ruined there. And if you're a fan of Tommy Gunn's work, you'll find it hard to ever spaff again. For most human beings, it seems redundant that there could ever be a situation where one did not have "sex for pleasure", yet the entire prerogative of the "sexual athletes' is that you leave your feelings at home and that your job is to use your body as a machine, simulating rather than stimulating your organs for the benefit of the camera.

One man in particular has been doing this for so long and now he's one of the leading men in porn. Tommy "The Machine" Gunn. Sadly, he isn't the lad from Rocky 5, although I had secretly hoped he was. No, this is an award-winning porn star who discusses how he prefers threesomes with someone he knows, as it's just like "two friends having sex with a girl". A regular evening indoors for the likes of Tommy, I would imagine. They'll probably also have a pizza and maybe play a little X-Box afterwards too. Maybe all gather round and watch Question Time if it's on. "Hey Ron, how's it going? Up to much tonight? Fancy shagging a bird together? My place at 9pm. Bring extra dip." I suppose it does make sense to be best buddies with the guy who is sticking his cock in the other hole.

As Tommy shows off his personal collection of DVD movies, with Louis asking at the perfect time, "Would that be your penis at the back, there?", right after Mr Gunn explains he's shot 1,100 movies in his career so far, we uncover his biggest achievement to date. Whilst my calculations make that to be an awful lot of nobbing, it seems that Tommy Gunn has still found the time to invest in the ultimate deterrent, should there ever be an uprising of the dead and a zombie apocalypse falls upon the United States of America. It's not a copy of 'Gutter Mouths 8', but instead it's a fuckin' zombie truck! Yes, that's right. A zombie-proof truck that not only protects Tommy and his entourage from zombies, but also helps kill them as well!

"If you're in a zombie situation, right?" This zombie truck isn't even for a movie, oh no. No. This is there for that inevitable day when The Machine finally loses it. Now we find him unhinged, anticipating that moment to come far quicker than any potential apocalypse of the zombie kind. After all, if you're a successful porn star, it's far more important to forget about thinking about having a future, raising a family, getting married etc if all they're going to do is get killed by zombies. I mean, what's the point of that? Oh no. If you're gonna do that, then you need to have a zombie truck. You need to protect them from the zombies!

If a man can ejaculate ten times in three and a half hours, and sleeps with 40 girls a month, he's going to find he's not all there when it comes to matters of the heart. And whilst porn star Tasha Reign definitely deserves a squirt - her dream of doing porn 'on the side' whilst she finishes a BA in Women's Studies is in full-flow - her lack of self-awareness off-screen is incredibly sad. Even worse is when we watch Tommy Gunn try to hypnotise her playmate, handing out free philosophical advice to a girl he's about to tear apart inside with his genitalia. Everything about every situation lacks so much self-awareness and intimacy. Yet we find out almost immediately that although the passion is automated, all Tommy Gunn really wants to do is be loved.

As he discusses with Louis Theroux his upcoming sex scene with brunette 'actress' Jackie Daniels, he confesses a crush on her, with the smallest of self-confidence, claiming that no girl he has slept with on camera would sleep with him in 'real life', and they are only doing it for the money and wouldn't even bother learning his name, if they didn't have to. It's this moment that really turns the entire concept of porn on it's head. The idea that, whilst the audience is supposed to believe these two are fucking - even if we are not suckered into the premise of real passion - we are simply watching two human beings operating their sexual organs in the most mundane of fashions. Suddenly I found myself completely depressed that the men in this show were more depressed than any of the cock-sockets-for-hire, which is pretty much all they are.

Tommy Gunn is asked to describe his perfect woman and doesn't once mention a physical attribute. So telling. He's like the Mickey Rouke of the porn industry as he bangs away with Tasha Reign, with Louis Theroux comically hiding behind a plant pot, taking a sneak-peak at the two getting down to business. Poor Tommy. All that sex, but no love. He is so lonely, yet balls deep in her fanny. Imagine every time you made love to somebody, you had Louis Theroux come up behind you and back you on the back. It'd be truly mortifying, wouldn't it? And that's just happened to this guy. I imagine the only reason he's still doing it is because he needs more money for his zombie truck.

Tommy really is the loneliest man on the planet right now. Ironically, for a man whose job is to service women, he desperately needs a girlfriend. All he really wants is some good, old-fashioned love. And an office job. A 9 to 5. I just want him to leave the porn industry and go work on finishing his zombie truck. It's affecting him so badly, he has now starting chewing whilst eating like a pig. This is a man who doesn't have time to learn how to eat with his mouth closed or chew quietly, because he's preparing for the zombie apocalypse. What are we doing? It seems we too only have one choice but to quit our jobs, move to LA and help Tommy build a fleet of zombie trucks. Only then can he leave the lonely world of porn and prepare for the greatest battle of them all. Are you with me? Are you ready to join Tommy 'The Machine' Gunn in his descent into madness? Or maybe these people should be sterilized so that they never reproduce. I'll never wank again having seen the sadness inflicted upon poor Tommy Gun as a casualty of the porn industry, but I'll sleep much better tonight knowing a pioneer in the war against a potential zombie apocalypse lives beside me on planet earth. And I hope you all will do too. After all, I suppose a happy ending was too much to ask?