THE BLOG

I Am His Conscience

16/01/2017 14:25

I am his conscience. He has confided in me about serious health issues, yet he seems reluctant to go forward and deal with it. The fear in him is huge; the can of worms it will release doesn't bode well.

I knew from day one it wouldn't be easy to be with him. But the sober days totally outweighed the few drunk days to start with. And after months of applying for work, like any person to get the city job was a real achievement for him. When he was sober for roughly four months he was kind, loving and didn't speak to me like I was an idiot. He didn't manipulate me like he does when he drinks, or even make things out to be my fault. He certainly didn't bend the truth or massage the figures he does on alcohol days. It was hard to take at times, but it's also been such a relief to be away from him. An alcoholic is an alcoholic and always will be if they don't stop and get help. You cannot fix them, you can only support. But if they don't want to fix themselves then you can only sit back and wait. No amount of telling them you want to get better is going to do it. You will be second to the bottle.

When he told me about his liver issue, he stopped for months with a couple of lapses here and there. But he was excused for that. I had taken on a massive burden. I was the only one who knew about his liver. The diagnosis was hard. I remember when he told me. I was at work, already dealing with 'unwell' people. He called in such distress I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do. All I could do was listen and go see him the next day. But he distinctly said 'I'm never drinking alcohol again'. I will not forget that. But how many times would that come back and haunt me. You only want what's best for the ones you love. You don't ever think they will bring it up months later and use it against you.

He regretted telling me that day; his liver being unwell. I realised my lover was unwell. The toxic shame in him due to a life of drinking that he inherited and developed due to reasons that I can only say: his mother. But I think his drinking was also due to being someone who just did as he pleased. He had few boundaries as a child and young adult so therefore life wasn't going to be moderate. If we are brought up such ways, we are going to inherit them. Mine had lack of affection, yet this hasn't made me into a person that goes around manipulating, lying, trying to be the controlling and charming. He acts differently around other people. I noticed that in him the other day. He was a different to me around the waiter. It all starts to become clear when you see that person become a different version of themselves: I was being manipulated by him. But I didn't realise it to begin with. And then the arguments came. Why should we do what he wanted to do all the time? As with the drinking when he moved away, that got worse. Therefore his intolerance got worse. I was the nag, yet I felt I was his conscience. He couldn't run away from me anymore, if he stayed with me he must face his demons or we break up and he can pretend his life is the one he wants. Good luck to him... I am free of him.

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