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29 Things Nobody Told Me About Growing a Beard

27/04/2015 17:22 BST | Updated 27/06/2015 10:59 BST

1. Trimming it is totally terrifying

2. People will compare you to literally any bearded person they can think of

3. The itching stops. Eventually.

4. There will be so many little hairs everywhere that everyone will think you've got a cat

5. You will either end up looking totally fierce or completely cuddly

(Or it could be both)

6. But your beard will add an aura of sophistication whenever you need it to

7. There's an unexpected comradery between anyone who has a beard

8. The longer it gets, the harder it'll be to keep it looking good. But it'll look so much more majestic if you style it right.

9. Your options for Halloween costumes become unexpectedly limited

You can basically only be a pirate. Or Jesus. Don't even think about using face paint.

10. Anything is a comb if you're desperate enough.

11. Keeping stuff in your beard will start off as a party trick, then becomes legitimately useful

12. But food will always get stuck in it and that's never a good look

13. Stroking it will either make you look deep, intelligent and pensive, or horrendously creepy

14. People of the opposite sex will start paying you a lot more attention

15. And rightly so.

16. People will ask you how long it took to grow. All the time.

17. You'll start checking yourself out in the mirror way more. Partly because you look more awesome, but also because you always need to make sure you don't look too homeless.

18. You'll probably have a weird urge to feel the tender, refreshing tingle of freshly shaven skin, but you'll immediately regret it

19. Also there's the temptation to do stuff like this

And also immediately regret it.

20. Don't like the idea of mustache hair in your mouth pretty much all the time? Don't grow a beard.

Seriously, you can comb at much as you want but it'll tickle your lips all the time. The only way to escape it is using mustache wax - a specially formulated hair-gel-type-thing which, even if you don't want to actually style your tache, is still a good idea.

21. Beard oils are ridiculously important if you want it to look good

Seriously. You need them, you just don't know it yet.

22. And they'll help your significant other avoid the ever-present risk of beard rash

23. Some people will say "you need a shave"

24. These people are just jealous they can't grow a beard like yours

25. Things will get really, really sweaty during the summer

26. So much so that you'll be praying to find a shop with air conditioning every time you leave the house

27. Even if you can do that curly thing with your mustache, you probably shouldn't

28. Your facial hair will make pretty much anything you say in a deep voice sound totally epic

29. But sometimes you just need to face facts: if your beard looks awful, you should probably shave it off