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Event Client Clichés

19/08/2013 22:36 BST | Updated 19/10/2013 10:12 BST

After a few LONG years working in events: you get to know the 'types' of client you're in for pretty easily. A lot of my past clients were cool, lovely people from all over the world. But sometimes a simple wanky telephone manner can straight away pop them into a category without having to meet - you know what you're getting. I'm tempted to whip these characters into a sketch show/ mini feature series of some kind... Who knows what the future holds for these twats, but for now I've decided to give you a sneak peek into the world of some of my favourite loves to hate....

The Couples

AH! One of my all time favourites that never fails to disappoint. There are two types: the woman's a bitch and the guy is super lovely, or the guy's an arrogant c**k and the woman's super sweet. Generally they're both hot and come from good stock.

Type A : The bitch looks at you for a second then turns and throws her super glossy hair in your face. Looking around whilst asking questions indirectly, she only looks to her partner who nervously follows her around. He loves her, she hot, high maintenance, and he'll do anything to keep her. She'll have a mini fit about the price of champagne even though he's paying of course.

Type B : The woman is stunning, warm, and she loves my outfit, while the guy pretty much has his back to me - I'm not posh totty or 5'9 so why bother? He doesn't say much, hands in pockets and thinks the space is 'alright' His girlfriend loves the room and hangs off my every word while 'Jeremy's' taken a work call, c**k. She apologises for him and will be in touch.

Power Parents

These guys mean business. They're throwing the party of the year for their beloved child with no expense spared. I was once told when suggesting a simple chicken dish for a teen party "Don't under estimate the requirements of a 12 year old" Got it. They'll schedule a meeting months, maybe even a year before the event date, then email an e invite so I don't forget: because I've never arranged anything before, yawn.

But, I kind of like these guys to be honest. They're old school English, well educated, and have really bad wiry unkempt hair with flushed red skin suggesting mum likes a drink, while Dad will try not to stare at my Neon shoes or boobs.

Kids from Hell

F**k, where to start with these little devils? Both parents are terrified at upsetting their little angel so they let them do the talking. They'll have whatever they want Mummy, and Daddy will pay. I have 'You're a little s**t' written all over my face, and a knowing look from the parents lets me know, they know, it's all their own fault...

Used to be in Media now a power mum

These girls come in couples, always. Like a drink, talk a lot, used to run a PR agency together but then had their dream wedding (of course) and got pregnant at the same time. Don't like to feel that they've settled down, their eyes light up when you mention any cool celebrity you've had in recently, who of course they know through someone ,who knows someone, who knows someone etc....

Fashion Shoots

Fashion Kids: Oh fashion....I clearly love it - but not these twats that all have exactly the same facial expression, smell really bad, and look like they're going to cry when you tell them "that coffee's not free"

Snooty Intern :They daren't try anything with me as they approve of my look and I create an air of 'f**k off' when dealing with these chicks. Ecstatic about having a 'day out' they're over noisy, whipping out for Starbucks at any op and pop into my office to ask the most ridiculous things, then struggle to walk back down the stairs in their Topshop wedges, giggling.

Celebrity Assistants

In my experience celebrities themselves are a joy to work with, apart from Z Listers who demand everything to compensate having zero talent. It's the assistants that have the attitude and constant panic attack faces. My favourite was a make up artist, who waltzed in with an attitude as big as her 'I wish I was the star' sunglasses, spitting words out about the natural in the private room. I advised her it was fine but she might want to take off her sunglasses to walk up the dark stairwell, she didn't stop, but did catch my bitchy undertone I'm sure. When I went upstairs, there she was with her crew and celebrity as she had a thrombo that it was too dark "See!" "Mmmm that's because the crew have DRAWN ALL THE CURTAINS - SEE?" Celebrity pulling a face similar to the terrified parent, I relocate the poisoned make up dwarf in another space with wonderful natural light, fabulous.

Romeo promoters

I hate this guy from the off. He'll call me Hun or Darling, I'll be rude but it flies right over his greasy pimp head, and the ladies love him you know? I'll let him get my name wrong, I couldn't give a f**k, I just want him out my face. He wants to hold a regular event involving no hire fee or payment of any kind but he'll bring LOADS of people - Unfortunately for him and I quote Simon "It's a no from me"

And a few other favourites....

" I normally go to Scott's you know..."

Mini Chelsea Queens, young, so oh young....

Manic Brides and nonchalant grooms.....

Model/Actress doing a first music video - WOW

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