THE BLOG

'Under the Chin'

24/03/2014 15:27 GMT | Updated 24/05/2014 10:59 BST

Friday night I went to the cinema to see the beautiful Scarlett Johansson play an alien seductress in 'Under the skin'. I was mesmerised not only by her stunning performance, but also by her physical form. There are many inches of flesh to love on Scarlett but for me, it was the scene where her face slowly turns in wonderment to a full side profile that had me transfixed. Her chin - elegant, perfectly tucked to sharply lead into a swan like neck, magnificent; I was probably the only person in the theatre focusing on her chin I'm sure.

You see, only hours before I had been reviewing a short video in which I'm featured, and if I'm honest I knew it was coming - the reveal of my somewhat landslide of a chin. Yes, I regularly take an index finger and push my chin fat to the side whilst explaining to my friends, 'without finger - Elephant and Castle chin, with finger - Hollywood chin. Without, with.' They laugh of course, but can't disagree that with a lean side profile I could take on the world.

My side profile has been the bane of my performance life; when I was singing I used to dread the audience watching alongside me knowing they were getting a front row view of my walrus like chin, shit. Then on screen when I was acting I could feel the exact point when the camera was fucking me over with 100% side coverage - thanks! I used to plead for a full frontal shot, no issues there, oh no. Eyes wide, hair flowing and with curves to distract, no one was looking at my chin. But in my latest venture as I watched the crew shoot me from ALL angles, I knew 'return of the chin' was coming.

But it's not like I could say anything, 'only shot me full frontal or it's off, yeah,' with diva like undertones. Unless you're a star, and I have filmed with a few whose teams tell the crew exactly which side to shoot at what angle, I have to endure the fact that my non-sexy chin is out there, forever.

Sat with my friend in Princi pre cinema showing her the video on my iPhone, we laughed until we cried at 'side Sadie'; there's even one point where I do a slowmo style laugh and all I could think of was Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder telling me not to go full retard. Like a seal with a crown of Princess like blonde hair, I am 'engaging and articulate,' in my conversation the team tells me, and thankfully I can laugh until I cry at my chin 'situation', but it's going on the list with my Hollywood teeth. I have found the exact procedure needed which sucks all the fat out with a little tube like magic, although a hyper intelligent friend tells me it will grow back after time due to my genetics, but fine! Just a year or so of feeling like I too could be shot like Scarlett as a sexy alien will do me a world of good I'm sure.

So my wish list is going up, as is my workload, which makes me think no one really cares about my chin, plus no ex-boyfriends have ever mentioned it having seen me at every angle, so I just won't discuss it outside my friendship circle from now on, Oh.

(PS other 'chin' film titles I thought of because, why not? The chin I live in, 50 Shades of chin, Chin and the City, Chin buyers Club, I'll stop.)