Historically, my personal blog has served as a forum on which I can make my good intentions public. This makes going back on my promises much more difficult/publicly embarrassing.
I am currently trying to give up smoking once again, and reading back the smug blog from myself six months ago is hugely frustrating. The ease and confidence with which that self-satisfied alter-ego condemns my habit is downright rude.
I have also, despite having written blog entries praising myself on my ability to maintain a thriving long-distance relationship, found myself single for the first time in a very long time.
And this time I'm determined to see if I can find some merit in this 'single life' that I hear so many people praising.
What do we single people do on Sundays? Sundays I have always reserved for driving to a remote village somewhere, finding a sickly-charming café and record shopping in a never-been-looted junk shop. Sunday is lovers' day. Sunday is morning sex and evening sofa-cuddles.
A bottle of wine shared after a particularly trying day at work is far more relaxing than a bottle of wine binged upon while trawling deeper and deeper through the annals of Facebook, the stream of which seems to be filled exclusively with evidence that my exes are all coping with single life far better than I am.
But this is a time for productivity, not staring wistfully backwards. The most successful times for me romantically have historically been the least successful times for me creatively and, thankfully, the opposite is proving to be true.
I listen to advice and it all tries to reassure me with the same promise. When I am not actively looking for romance and when I am 'happy within myself' then true love will come knocking on my door...well neither of those things are EVER going to happen, so embrace 'single life' it is.
A quick Google search confirms my depressing assumptions. The advantages listed online seem to mainly assume that all women are nagging bitches, prone to wild mood swings and that all men long to have hollow and meaningless sexual encounters with nameless strangers. One even tries to comfort me with the promise that I can "gain weight without worrying." Jesus Christ.
So I am trying to get myself out of the habit of feeling like nothing has any validity until it is shared with someone else. Read more. Work more. Maybe even have a stab at that 'happy within myself' hypothesis. Ultimately, try to resist the inevitable act of replacing girlfriend functionality with my cat, despite how pragmatic it may be as the winter months creep in.
Currently juggling numerous musical projects, fresh from my first number one record as a songwriter, reading books I never dreamed I would tackle, 30 hours into the new Zelda game and spending my time with long-neglected friends, I recommend embracing the single life as if it were your dream partner.
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First of all I think you are fantastic - and I am gutted I can't make your Glasgow gig on Sunday!
In terms of singledom I agree with a lot of what you say - one of the good things about it is that you do have to learn how to spend time with yourself (and why shouildn't you spend sunday visiting remote villages/rÂun down seaside resorts...Â); and you don't have to negotiate with anyone about how home decor'n stuff so you can indulege your own tastes and passions ... until you meet someone else anyway - which I am sure will not take you that long ...
And moreover, I am surely not very attractive, but I also don't want a relationship with a stupid guy. And this makes the whole matter even more complicated.
And then............ my parents always had quarrels. So I never wanted to be married. Marriage seemed to me like the most awful thing that could happen to a woman. Meanwhile I think it must be possible to be happy in a relationship. But all the men, who would I like to get to know a little closer, don't want me. No chance.
Ultimately I think that being content with being single is a skill which is learned, or perfected, with maturity and experience. Once you've "got your wings", however, you're a) never scared of being alone again and b) equipped much better to have a strong and fulfilling relationship, paradoxically!
All I can say is that I've never been too bothered about being single because I know it's a choice. Being unusually self-confident, kind, and apparently "attractive" mean I know I can always go out and find someone, but since my last relationship three years ago I've never felt the need. Co-dependence or incredibly common and I'd recommend your looking into it; it's essentially the notion that a person places too much weight on being approved of by others.
Luckily you're entitled to be co-dependent. It's just not very healthy long-term.
As I told a woman (today, oddly enough) who has been after me for years; "My emotional satisfaction comes from knowing how loved I already am, and knowing I believe in pretty grand concepts of social duty - doing my bit".
What we become is the result of what we *are*. If a person develops a need to *be* through others...well they're in for a really hard time in life.
Be kind, love others, forgive, and be fascinated. Life will never be empty and you're far more likely to find someone you actually love.
David.