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WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it's all about The Great British Bake Off.
The show has officially gone up a notch on the ol' unrelatable chart.
One sec while I flour and oil my throat. Minus the flour or oil.
It's time for the Superbowl of Bake Off - bread week!
The bakers had hours to kill while their loaves proved themselves. I'd like to see more of these uncut Christmas party-esque awkward conversations.
Signature - teacakes. 'A rich dough containing extra fats...' Stop ruining food! I don't need to know these things. I don't want to know about fat in my favourite food.
Technical - cottage loaf...huh?
Showstopper - naturally-coloured bread scultpture
Paul actually took it one step further and said it was the best bread week he'd ever see. He's clearly lion.
I live for the moments when a contestant says something and you can feel the audience turn. Kind of like an 'oop, they're not going to like that' thought.
'I hope I haven't peaked... because I really would like star baker again. It's kind of addictive.'
You're 'addicted' to the honour of being named star baker? Like it's an on-tap thrill you get as and when? This tent stands for no such cockiness.
The Hollywood Handshake is officially worthless.
Shall we just call this series a day?
Whoever has Steven in the work sweepstake must be an unbearably-smug bastard right now.
'This is my chance to show them, that I can bake bread.' Yes. Yes it is.
She bakes every week for her fam, yet interestingly washes with milk?
I have no idea why this is so outrageous, but I'm incredibly outraged nonetheless. This must be what it feels like to be a Daily Mail reader.
She was in her element during the technical, knowing to have a baking tray of water below the loaf 'for steamaage'. She even knew Paul's flour finger trick, so good on her.
'Back in Liverpool she often bakes bread and cakes for a local homeless charity.'
And I'm back on board. Love her. I plan on bulk ordering 60 chokers from a suspect Chinese eBay shop, please, thanks.
Everyone was panicking about not having enough time to bake their teacakes, and this girl managed to overbake. She impressed with her octopus bread sculpture at the end, so it was quite a roller coaster week for this one.
First, he's never had a fortune cookie, now he's never had a teacake. He's basically Oliver Twist.
He's also never heard of Google. Not bothering to find a teacake recipe and just thinking of something similar his nan makes instead.
Yet another cutting narration from Noel, this time attacking sweet Liam: 'with a stout he's just old enough to drink'. You leave Liam alone you goth monster, for all we know, he's never had a scone before, so think about that kind of childhood, ok?
He's the series' struggler. His teacakes were inedibly (that's a word) raw and he was middle of the pack in the technical. He managed to claw it back in the showstopper, impressing the judges with his flavours (which he loved).
His ice cream bread sculpture was one of my faves, plus he called it Kneadopoliton, like neapolitan. So, he's a winner in my eyes.
Bold words against the humble teacake, claiming they're 'the poor cousin of the hot cross bun'. Mate. People barely want to eat hot cross buns when it's Easter, teacakes are in demand all year. The hot cross bun is the turkey of the sweet bread world.
Yet even with this disdain he nailed the prove and bake.
The technical didn't go as well, resulting in a cowpat kinda cottage.
When she was saying she didn't want to take her anger out on her dough because of how much she loves it (followed by a few enthusiastic gasps of 'I love you!'), you thought to yourself 'well, that was the most inappropriately intimate thing for me to witness this episode.'
Seemed fairly relaxed throughout the ep, doing well in all three rounds, from flavours to concepts.
Then there was the penis/poo snail loaf, but we'll get to that later.
Had a pretty rubbish week, not particularly impressing in any of the rounds. In fact, she was god awful.
Scooting adults is a movement. I don't understand and I don't think I ever will.
Did well in the signature, serving up the closest thing to a teacake Paul up until that point in the judging. Not the best statement, but he can definitely misquote this moment for a good few decades by leaving out the end.
This lady is proper old skool. Doesn't even time her bakes.
She knew her demise was imminent from the get-go, her bakes were not doing her proud.
And she was right as...
Flo is out!
Julia is star baker!
- Tom 'I hate it when you have fruit on the edge, like cranberry, and it tastes like a bullet.'
- Stacey 'I actually think it looks like a good teacake when you've got a bit of fruit on the top, personally.'
- All the bakers are chatting about how worried they are about the top collapsing to one side.
- Cut to Kate:
- 'You can serve them with accompaniments, maybe a jazz singer' - Noel
- 'I like the feel of it, when it changes' - Stacey
- 'It's definitely growing' - James
- 'You don't want wonky balls' - Liam
- 'This didn't get a finger treatment at all' - Prue
- 'Oh my god, I'm dying inside' Kate
Until next time...