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Top 10 Things to Hate About Facebook

11/04/2014 16:52 BST | Updated 11/06/2014 10:59 BST

1. Share if you love your kids. Oh, really? So, let me get this straight. I love my kids, you love your kids, and we all love our kids. But, you want me to let you know that I love my kids and I want you to let me know you love your kids, too? Plus, both of us get to tell the whole frigging world that we both love our kids. How about we put up a Facebook post that says: 'SHARE IF YOU HATE YOUR KIDS'? I think that will get us a lot more interesting attention.

2. Holiday snaps. These should be banned. If a person is not in a holiday snap they should not be shown a photo of a holiday snap...period! I am not remotely interested in your sunburned ankles, your life-threatening hairy gut flopping over your Speedos, and I am pretty sure 2billion users don't want to, either. However, if you so wish, please Photoshop your docile, degenerate, and over-snapped family out of the deck chairs and sand-pits but leave the nice French lady in...you know; the one with the nice tits.

3. Posting couple stuff on your wall. You might love your partner but we don't, so don't expect anyone outside of you both to feel a nice flutter around the heart muscles because quite frankly none of us gives a damn. Your couple post would be more attractive if you were to announce you just buried your spouse alive and apply a Google Map link to its destination. Sex sells but gruesome gets more clicks.

4. What you are watching on TV. We get it. We know the programme and we are probably watching that very same programme right now as you are. Nobody wants to read your misspelled running commentary on your status. We already have a professional broadcaster to do that for us. Do us all a service and go back and reopen your Bebo account.

5. We all know what a cup of coffee looks like. We don't need to see what you have just ordered in a coffee shop. It's a cup of coffee - get over yourself! If a fight breaks out or a live armed robbery is happening in that particular shop then by all means switch your phone to video mode, hide under an uneven table, or grab a failed student blogger and use them to blanket you as cover.

6. Stop posting useless images and videos of your kids and grandkids. If we want to see a kid in a high-chair having leg and arm spasms of excitement to Florence & the Machine (which you post as cute baby dancing) with a mouthful of Farley's Rusk and a bib full of vomit we can always go to You Tube for that or form a sexual relationship with a single mother with personality issues.

7. Don't invite me to be your friend unless you really know me in the real world. I will not open your request notification because it doesn't give me the option I want to click. Confirm or Not Now is not what I want to say. When Facebook includes an option of F*** off then I might open up your request but I think you already know my answer now anyway.

8. Do not, under any circumstances, mention me in a post. You and I both know it is only to get my attention and to get me to post a reply or hit your like button. You also know, or you should know, that I am aware of your attention-craving personality and you only want me to join in your post to get you more comment activity on what is clearly a meaningless and worthless post you put on your wall. If you are complimenting me and I like my own compliment I must be a bigger loser than you. If you want to take part in some self-validating important acceptance then may I recommend Linkedin?

9. Announcing to the world about your small and irrelevant activities is not on. We don't care if you are in a taxi heading into town to meet your mates. Nobody really cares about your dress choice dilemma. Many pretend to care but we don't. Pick a dress, wear the damn thing, go to your night out and keep it to yourself. If you end up at an orgy afterwards and you can provide us with explicit video footage then by all means do post and share - especially to my wall.

10. Asking your Facebook friends for a plumber recommendation is stupid. What plumber in Winsconsin is going to fly to the UK to fix your leaky sink? Please do the world a favour and delete your account!

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