12. The World Cup was on and two things happened. Before I knew it I'd missed the deadline. My budgie was sick. He chewed on the only pen I had in the house and he died of ink poison. I didn't have anything to put him in for his burial so I just used your envelope you sent me and you got it ... the self-assessment form was in the envelope. Sorry, but the good thing is Mickey is in a better place right now.
11. My wife was sick but she got better. I was devastated. Her recovery rocked me sideways as I had high hopes and lots of plans arranged without her. I totally got distracted by her healthy turnaround but I promise it won't happen again.
10. I couldn't find my glasses. I couldn't read your print. Please supply forms in Times New Roman size 36 - and preferably in bold.
9. I just don't have the money to pay you. You can keep my refund next year, though.
8. I promise I will fill in my tax form and pay you what I owe once I square up my local loan sharks.
7. I normally pay people according to importance and urgency. You're next after I pay my bar bill and the undertaker who just buried the local serial killer.
6. I suffer from Taxnesia. It's a form of memory loss that happens in between self-assessment form deadline dates. Or is it Taxorexia? I can't remember. All I know is I have very little on me.
5. I would fill my form in and hand a cheque over to you but I have a phobia about men in bowler hats. I think I will just hand over my tax returns to a clown wielding a bloodied axe. I'm confident of my chances.
4. When you said 'self-assessment' I thought you meant I was to assess myself. This is why I put down in the form that I was a babe magnet, a genius, well-endowed, likes walks in the rain and the sporty type.
3. Sorry, I do not donate to organizations that don't look after the poor or give proper care to children. I certainly do not give to groups or bodies that will use my money to invade and bomb other countries who have done no harm. Oh, wait! That was a line for my Occupy speech.
2. I didn't fill in my form because I didn't think you needed the money. I now know (due to your legal threatening letters) that you do indeed need the money. So, what I propose is we swap places. You work three jobs just to make ends meet and I will come down to your workplace and drink tea and do nothing all day except play Solitaire and bully people into giving you money. Or, you could always sell your bike and raise the money.
1. I don't know how to put this but let's say... you are getting f**k all. I am tired of your whining letters and threats of legal action. I told you what happened. When I was taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge I had your cheque in my pocket and it ... well ... got wet..
Read more of Stephen's work in the Dafty News: http://www.daftynews.com
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