"Milleenniiiaaaalllss" *to the tune of Robbie Williams Millennium ....We're all smothered with the virtuous juices of 'Digital Detoxes' and Netiquette (most awful word ever), which are housed, quite ironically, online. We all know we spend too much time online - particularly on social media - but our fingers just move and next thing you know you're looking at your third cousin's milkman's old school chum, who's fit, but blatantly has a fetish for being pictured on themed lilos on his annual pilgrimage to the sun. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE. However it wasn't until we checked our battery usage that the colossal scale of the problem hit us. I Phone users you MUST do this immediately (androids your cameras are way better you must be able to do this somehow too) because this issue can't just lie with us...
Battery > last 7 days - and it will all come tumbling down in order of highest hours on screen to shame you and shock you to your little digital core.
Nearly NINE HOURS ON WHATSAPP A WEEK. 9 HOURS. That's basically a part time job.
3.6 HOURS of on screen time on Instagram, of which at least 30 minutes worth is of poached eggs and swishy hair boomerangs. And THEN you smack us with Instagram stories, so we have to record twice for Insta AND snapchat without a time travelling watch. Are you mad?
3.3 hours on Twitter being creepy voyeurs and searching our exes names (Lisa). N.B. Never look at who they now follow. EVER.
Home and lock screen 7.8 hours - that'll be when we're sleeping then...
Snapchat 1.7 hours - We don't even know how to USE the bloody thing!
2.5 hours on Facebook PLUS 58 minutes on Messenger - Seen at least 7 lacey wedding dresses and puppies in bed in that time. At least Messenger is legit: Lisa had a hen do to organise (and really very much still needs that group chat...it's vital to our sanity)
1.7 Hours in mail. Fine. Work. Except the very long email thread with our chums purely for Harry Potter trivia.
Nine hours on Whatsapp though. We're still reeling. There must be good reason so we delve in to investigate the lengthy conversations this week to find the main topic of discussion is a screen grab of a message from our friend Linda lamenting how she found herself outside a Premier Inn, doesn't realise how she got there, but later claims she was looking (in vain) for Lenny Henry, before likening herself to Hannibal Lector after she runs about Covent Garden on too much red wine. Funny? Yes. Funny enough to screen grab the conversation to four other groups of friends instantaneously? Not sure. We search for something of substance and worth, hours of content, even one meaty hour to make up the entire working day's worth of hours of other drivel. But no. Just memes, memes, a sea of memes, a micro pig dancing to Rihanna's "Werk", and a friend that when trying to pie off her Tinder date he replied "Is it because I don't know all the contestants on Love Island" *Despair*
So what to do? What to do? (It's taking all of our might not to ask Twitter) Lisa thinks just displace nitter-nattering with substance and Alana thinks cold clicky turkey.
Lisa says: Right lets face it, we could all use "our jobs" or "our loved ones" as an excuse to be online, but I'm going to try a straight swapsies a la "face swap" from non- productive to productive online surfing (surfing, remember when everyone said that, so Nickelodeon!)
Leave replying to all your mates, unless its for arrangements/break up emergencies to designated times throughout the day. A big blast of meaningful paragraphs rather than fractured sentences and aubergine emojis. Write a list of things to tell them in person, I genuinely write agendas of things to tell friends I don't see often, so I remember to cram everything in.
2. Without sounding sickeningly worthy, use online petition sites like change.org to sign up to something you feel strongly about and use social media for good.
3.Stop stalking your ex, no advice for that one, just stop. Reward yourself with a white chocolate magnum if you haven't done it all day, I'm on 3 this week.
4. Break the cycle of mindlessly picking your phone up and rotating through all the apps - tweet if you have to tweet and don't automatically move onto the next one, like at a buffet when you're trying to be polite. Similarly with messenger, if a chat is getting too rambling, arrange a time to call them.
5. If someone else's post makes you feel inadequate/envious, don't keep scrolling until you find something to lighten you or appease you. Hit the side click button (what is the button called that turns the light off?!) and put that phone to bed.
Alana says: Like everything we do, my approach is logical, direct and you'll see those numbers chipping of your totals. I have 10 succinct points, unlike Lisa's 5 rambling ones (she does like to witter on, its very tedious)..
1. Do a hot yoga class - you can't take your phone in with you (as it would explode) and after your hands are so shaky and sweaty you can't type - 1 hour and 9 minutes DOWN
2. Don't take your phone charger out the house with you, you can't check whats app with no battery...2 panic stricken hours DOWN
3. NAP NAP NAP - 2 and a half hours DOWN
4. Carry plastic bags instead of a Rucksack home from the shops - no hands free means no scrolling - 14 minutes (and purple bruises on palms) DOWN
5. Invite friends round and ACTUALLY talk to them face to face, all phones in phone amnesty pot - 4 fun filled drunken hours DOWN. You can text your ex drunk in the cab home...
6. Don't 'snap' your food before eating it...no ones cares anymore..(unless its a Man Vs Food, then we care. A lot) 45 seconds DOWN
7. Save up your thoughts throughout the day and maybe just do one annoying long Facebook post at night...the lack of likes you get will deter you from doing it again. 20 minutes DOWN
8. Throw your phone off a bridge and smash your screen. - A Day DOWN
9. Don't use a filter just #nofilter the ting - 30 seconds DOWN
10. Go on holiday and forget to activate your bolt on - 10 days DOWN or a really expensive bill.....you choose!
Hours saved = LOADS
BUT before you do all these things, Tweet us @themactwins with your battery usage screen grabs so we don't feel so alone, or whatsapp us, or insta us, or... *smirk* Let us know if you're #TeamLisa or #TeamAlana
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