Londoners™ the UK,
Your Olympics™ start in just a few days and we hope that you're excited! They are your Olympics™ that have cost you
£2.5bn £9bn £11.7bn possibly £24bn of your money, that's 38p per household, that you really need in these times of austerity but were forced have chosen to spend on what is sure to be the best Olympics™ ever ever. So you have to enjoy them, you don't have a choice. We've put lots of measures in place all for your Olympics, including allocating tickets via a lottery system. We thought this would be better than giving free tickets to people in the local area as who knows what ruffians that may allow inside the Park™, so instead many of you used your VISA™ credit cards which all of the people we'd like to invite clearly have at their disposal to deposit unaffordable amounts of money only to get tickets to watch a horse dance™ or speed walking™ while our corporate executives get to watch Usain Bolt™, because it's your Olympics™.
Because it's your Olympics™ we've made sure it's all completely safe from any terror at all, which is why we hired a company to do the security who only days ago realised they didn't have the appropriate staff to do the job. So we've got the army in, which may leave lots of other troops stranded out in Afghanistan for longer than they planned to be. Not only that, but these army personnel are specifically trained for such family friendly sporting events with months of firearm training and warfare strategy, so will provide an appropriately intimidating presence making sure no terrorist or anyone without a ticket gets anywhere near. We now have more army personnel at the Olympics than have been deployed in Iraq or Afghanistan, which means that in 2022 tons of troops will probably still be around Stratford for no reason at all. Because it's your Olympics™ we've had the MoD position huge surface to air missiles on top of blocks of flats nearby without consultation or permission needed, to ensure that if we have to shoot down any threats the local residents will be showered in debris and shrapnel. This will ensure they are safe.
Because it's your Olympics™, please refrain from meeting with friends anywhere near the Park™ or you'll be seen as a threat and be removed. For your safety. In fact please avoid being anywhere near the Park™ while the Olympics are on. Please avoid Central London™. Please avoid Greater London while the opening ceremony is on. Please avoid the UK for the duration of the Olympics™. Please avoid the Tube when people seeing the Olympics™ need to get to it even if its exactly when you need to get to the job you've been doing for years and are currently struggling keep with all the cuts. We've kindly asked Boris Johnson™ to make a tannoy message to warn Tube travellers about overcrowding, hoping that his pompous voice alone will ward many away. Please avoid the roads, especially the Olympic™ lanes that will remain empty while you sit in traffic getting later and later for where you need to be while people who are trained to run fast glide by in cars. Because it's your Olympics™, you'll be charged £130 for going in those lanes. We've also made sure it's far harder to park anywhere nearby by closing all shopping centre car parks in the vicinity and removing parking spaces all over Stratford to make sure lots of you gain massive, expensive parking fines for even daring to live or work in the area. It's your Olympics™. We'd like to encourage people from all over the London™, sorry the UK, to travel to the Olympics™ though don't drive there, or get a train, or a Tube or walk anywhere nearby. All because it's your Olympics.™
Because it's your Olympics™ please don't use the word Olympics™ unless you are authorized to do so, or we'll take you to court for breach of copyright. Other words we've also copyrighted are sports™, park™, track™, field™, ball™, swimming™ (see also swam™, swim™, swan™), diving™ (see also dive™, dove™), javelin™, torch™, running™ (also see run™, ran™, rain™, Ray™), rings™, men™, women™, stadium™, tickets™, army™ and Ancient Greece™. Because it's your Olympics™ we suggest you refer to it as 'That Thing', 'Coe & Hunt's Beautiful Lovechild' or ' Swimmy Runny Jumpy Throwy Lifty Times Event'. Because it's your Olympics™ no shop in the near vicinity or in fact anywhere over the UK, or Europe, or the World can use any of those words for fear of the law, unless we have allowed it like we have with our main sponsors that we feel embody the heart and soul of such an athletic healthy event, like Coca-Cola™ and McDonalds™. Those are foods all athletes eat and drink and so we believe that you should enjoy eating them too to make sure you remain fat, stupid and gullible. It's your Olympics™.
Because it's your Olympics™ it will bring in £13bn to the UK. When we say UK we mean our corporate sponsors who will ensure they don't pump any of it back into the desperate economy by dodging as much tax as possible. Because it's your Olympics™ we want to make sure that when all these companies leave and the events are over that you are left with tons of derelict buildings that almost definitely won't end up being used to help the surrounding community. You know the surrounding community we've made sure you can't see from the Park using clever sculptures, just in case their poverty makes you ill while you eat your McDonald's™ authorised fries™. Because it's your Olympics™ we'd like you to clean it afterwards. It's as though it's your flat and people are coming round. People you haven't invited. People who are going to use all their money making a lot of mess. You have to scrub and clean it after. You do. It's your Olympics™.
It's your Olympics™ that you can watch on 24™ HD™ BBC™ channels. If you have Sky™. Because you all have Sky™. You can all afford it.
You will enjoy it. It will be amazing, your Olympics™
Londoners Britain, so don't ruin it for everyone by pretending you won't.
Follow Tiernan Douieb on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TiernanDouieb