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My Year-Long Tinder Experiment: All Mouth and No Trousers - Literally!

31/12/2014 16:34 GMT | Updated 02/03/2015 10:59 GMT

So last New Year's Eve I stayed in with my two best friends, all three of us wondering what 2014 would hold for us, we toasted in the new year with a bottle of fizz and discussed our permanent single status!

We all agreed to download the Tinder app and attempt 365 dates between the three of us, well it's 365 days on and here is how it went:

First impressions were that Tinder is great, good close up shots and swipe left if he's not your cup of tea, swipe right if you like them, if they swipe right too, it's a match, then you can start messaging each other - so far so good!

So my first day of the year had me chatting to a nice guy in his early 40s, eventually he asked for my number and asked if he could call, how nice I thought a man who doesn't like to hide behind a text message. So the phone rung and I answered, he seemed rather out of breath, I enquired as to whether he was calling whilst out on his run, oh how naive I was, he was looking at my photo's apparently! I informed him that I was watching the Sound of Music with the family and that his behaviour was highly inappropriate, what would Julie Andrews think?

So day 1 wasn't so successful, but there were still 364 days left of the year and this was a challenge I was willing to complete.

It is absolutely exhausting, having to be up beat and witty throughout the week as you work all day, prepare dinner, do homework with the children and by 9pm all you want is an hour of mindless TV, but no, you now have to start replying to the Tinder messages.

There is a resounding theme that these men are lonely during the week, and want to chat until the early hours of the morning but come the weekend when I have more time they seem to disappear again until Monday night? Where do they go? Probably back home to their wives in the country I suspect.

Have spotted so many boyfriends and husbands using the app, what is the etiquette in such matters? I decided to pretend I hadn't spotted them, but highly recommend that any woman out there who thinks they are happily married really should download the app! This app is a married man's dream!

Another resounding theme is the man currently going through the messy divorce, yet still living under the same roof and hoping that you will help him through this lonely period of his life, it then later transpires that he has a new born baby and is not getting divorced at all, his wife just wasn't paying him much attention.

A lot of men get confused between a dating app and a sex line, there are too many to mention who start off with polite conversation and when you exchanged numbers the first message on What's App is a selfie of them in the bathroom mirror with a pair of bulging Calvin Klein's, some even ditch the boxers and go straight for the kill - what are they thinking?

Call me old fashioned but when I wrote 'looking for fun' in my profile, I actually meant going out and enjoying myself, it would appear in 2014 the word 'fun' means something totally different!

We didn't achieve the 365 dates, because so many had to be unmatched before they got that far, it was obvious they were just looking for one thing or were just completely insane.

Some memorable highlights for the year include and in no particular order:

The school teacher who was drawn to my friend's profile because she had children, he was currently suspended whilst being investigated - UNMATCH.

The Buddhist - who actually said. "You chat, I'll chant!" - UNMATCH!

The bisexual radio presenter, who decided after a couple of dates that actually women weren't his thing - UNMATCH!

Prostitutes, escorts and fitness trainers - dating is expensive enough without having to pay them and be told you are fat! UNMATCH!

The South African who is in an open marriage, and couldn't understand why we failed to see the benefits of being the other woman - UNMATCH!

The Beautiful Footballer, who managed an 11 hour coffee date, declared undying love, had found his next wife, until he actually moved out from his current one and then decided he should sow his oats all over London town before he should settle down again! UNMATCH!

Mr Amsterdam who came over to offer me a drink, I politely told him I was waiting for someone - it was him, he had used photos that were 15 years out of date! UNMATCH!

The ones who actually ask if you are in a relationship on date one and utter the three little words - UNMATCH!

The ones who spend nine hours on the phone, do all the ground work of asking all about your family, telling you about theirs but never actually get around to the date, seriously one has been messaging me since April! - UNMATCH.

Ex boyfriends who crop up on Tinder and decide they know where it all went wrong - UNMATCH!

Mr Prada, who had to cancel every date due to work emergencies, he was politely told he was shoe designer not a heart surgeon - UNMATCH!

And probably my favourite of the lot, sadly not my date but Nikki's, he shall be known as the Fag Ash Pirate. After date one, he had to pull over when driving to text his opinion on smoking, which actually stated, "I want to fall in love with super sexy Nikki, not stupid dead Nikki!" - UNMATCH!

Mr Norway, still going strong after months of talking because he's not actually set foot in the UK, still MATCHED!

Overall conclusion for the year, Tinder is not for any of us, the app has been deleted. My new year's resolution is to spend as much time as possible with the people I love, my friends and family. To embrace my single status, I actually enjoy doing my own thing and if I ever meet someone in the flesh - then fantastic because the virtual world is just too mindbending and quite frankly WRONG!

In the words of Jack Johnson - Where did all the good people go?

So if you are sitting in tonight, thinking all by myself again, when will I meet Mr Right, the answer my friend is NOT on Tinder!

Happy New Year!